24 August 2010

This morning or rather yesterday ...I woke very very early at around 11.30pm and started cleaning up my apartment. I didn’t really intend to... but once I started, it was mostly fun and I managed to clean in the whole house and even wash the dishes that were slowly pilling up in my sink.

Something happened though when I was washing my bathroom. My bathroom is split into 2. There is the shower place and the toilet. The shower has a small barrier that prevents water from flowing onto the floor and into the other rooms but the toilet space does not. I think it is a very cool construction........ So as I was washing the toilet side of the bathroom, I was worried about the water flowing into the rest of the house. I thought that I would have to wipe off with a piece of cloth. And I didn’t want to because it would be tedious, and hard and I wanted something easier... and I wondered for a while.... then it came to me, I could use the mop... I have a mop and it is so much easier to use and much more fun and I would not even break a sweat, easy pizzy solution to a conundrum...

What is my point? My point is that before I started my project I had no solution, and even no idea that this problem would present itself. But the answer came just when I needed it... I came when it was necessary for it to come. I didn’t have to worry about it I didn’t have to program and prepare to prevent the problem, the solution came to me when I needed it, and the answer came to me when I needed it. ......

What is my point? (Again!!!) There is no need for me to worry, all this will be well, and I will find the answers to all the questions that I will have. Any problem that I will have, a solution to it will come to me. There is nothing to worry about... all this will be will.

18 August 2010

I have all these people in my life and I have different feelings towards them all most times... mostly because the feelings I have towards them, they are valid and come from valid experiences and they are TRUE!!

Yesterday, however I realized that there is one exception to that rule. There is this person I like very much, I call him OOC. He is a very nice person and I appreciate him greatly and to me he can do no wrong. I realized, however, yesterday that the reason I like him so much because I only ‘see’ his positive aspects. And even when he does stuff that hurt, and it does sometimes so much I cry myself to sleep, but still when I look at him, I only see his positive aspects. J

This taught me, yesterday, that well, I can do this for all people, Mtn, My Old Maybe, my various girlfriends, my workmates... MY FAMILY!!!, especially my family.. it is possible to for me to only ‘see’ their positive aspects only... and it is only that that I will experience... I don’t have to let what is true muddle up my experience...and it will be so much more fun....

Also make peace with who I am and what I am doing... 

4 August 2010

You know something interesting. I have an old almost (Old Almost) that I have been into for the last 14 years and I have always still had a thing for him.  And of late he has been asking me out a lot and most times something happens, and the last time was yesterday evening.  And to be honest it really felt horrible. Really terrible.  I have been hurting and hurting myself over it for a while and I knew that eventually I would feel better about this. I knew that eventually I would feel really good about me about this. And new things are getting better.  I like that things at this second are actually better.

I am learning something else. This moment that I am living in this second... I am in a nice restaurant, the sun is sort of out (very sort of) and I am sitting with my laptop typing this... i have wanted this for a while. It has been one of my favourite subjects for Virtual Reality... and at this second, as I type this, I am living it!!!!!!!! I am really living it. Right now at this second, my current life is something I dreamt up!!! I am wearing bohemian, the shoes, the shirt, I am pretty in this nice hair and nails and the sun is out and I am really really enjoying this second. I am really enjoying this second.  Really really enjoying it, and it is better than in my VR cause here there is a sort of cute and nerdy guy making eyes at me.

So my point is that this stuff works.  And yesterday all that VR that I was doing it was not a mistake. It was the way it was supposed to be. Apparently I can have anything I want. I can have everything I want. I can just max here for a long while and just really enjoy being here. It is good that all this is really good.  I am glad that all this is really good.  Yes, things are the way they are right now, and that is good.

Also I remember thinking earlier today, when I was feeling really bad, and OOC had just finished making me feel unloved, and I was thinking up a rampage about the way this whole crap DOES NOT WORK!!!... and I had a moment of realisation that the reason he could do that is that, I was already feeling that way... though at that moment it didn’t feel particularly funny

14th July 2010

I have of late been experiencing what I could call lapses... well at least I thought they were lapses... I wanted to document them but was too under the clouds to type!!  But yesterday things got better... I tried I actually made an effort to feel better... then things started to go my way and for the first time in 5 days (?)....I felt better... I got the afternoon off, and I didn’t even manage to do the stuff I wanted to  do BUT I ended up fixing something else which was really cool cause now I have that fixed which is super cool!!! Then I thought about doing what I got the time off for, but something just felt off, so I drove around for a bit, got some deli meats came home and fried... I tried to get some alcohol but didn’t manage... went to the next shop and got just the right thing, right price... and it was sooo smooth, (it was vodka; I don’t normally like hard drinks). I could hardly taste it!  I loved it!  It was soo perfect... then later that night it was like the first time in the 5 days I actually felt good. I mean really good.

I did my meditations and stuff, and this morning was cool; I actually spent some time actually listing stuff I liked, a little time not too much. I was having a little difficulty with someone I know, listed her negative aspect for a while and well you know how that ended up. ...

This morning I went off to work it started okay enough and the day was generally good... nothing special though, just normal... then I got this discount which was cool, really cool then later I got a lift, which was also...oh yeah... and during the day I got a message that I had missed to make a certain appointment and it worked out really well and very extremely easily... amazing... then I got my lift, went to a super market  and I thought about getting some alcohol and it was interesting , saying ‘no’ was not as hard as I thought. I am at home and have had extremely little alcohol. J!!!!  And that was very extremely cool.. I know I will understand the coolness tomorrow.. I will appreciate it. 

Also, I have some friends there’s A who sometimes depresses me----- a lot!!!  A whole lot... then there’s B who is okay, it is just that sometimes, like this afternoon, and now I think about her and I get shortness of breath with some dread..... Some dread.... that I am feeling right now... NOW A and B want to get together this weekend... in fact... B specifically asked me if A could come along.... which is cool I almost feel like just getting the two of them together  and just leaving me out of it... cause honestly I am extremely feeling a lot of shortness of breath, with dread..... It is Wednesday, not Saturday... i cannot decide for then... anyway, the good things about B is that she has an apartment and can house A  so that solves that problem...i am aware that all this will be  well. I know that all this will be well. All this will be well....  all this will be well... it will solve itself on it’s.....

This will be well... 

8 July 2010

Today I have spent the day discovering what happens to people when they stop consciously making efforts to feel good. So well at this moment I am here, but that is okay I can move...

So what has been happening, well for one NADA!!! Things in the office have been going on okay but in truth, well.. I have been having these amazing experiences... AMAZING the last few days, and today for some reason I cannot bring myself to a good feeling place as a result well I am here in this blah place... I realise from my contract extension that being in this blah place is not soooo ... all bad, I can be here for a while and that is fine... really very fine.. I can stay here and still I will get the results I desire...

The only thing is that I an not getting those super sexy amazing experiences.. I miss them, and I know I don't have them because.... well.... I miss them!!!!!! the only thing that this means is that I have to unravel this if I am to move... from here I need to change the way I am thinking!!! :-( because I have been here sooo long, I cannot remember how to do this... I am very far vibrationally.. that is the thing... I had gotten soo used to getting my happiness from these people, now it is time to get my happiness from ME!!! ( I just had a flashbulb moment there...) The thing that is going on, is that I am getting my happiness from them... now it is time to get my happiness from me.. or at least stay in a place. OOh Crap!!! now manifestations of my imaginings are coming true and it is crappy... WOW I can do this I can change my mind... I am sure I will manage... I just got me to the dumps and it is a little difficult to get out..

Tomorrow is another day.. all this will be well.

7th July 2010

Today was an amazing day!! All four of my men, showed up.   All four.... my almost ... Fred, let us call him Fred... to protect the innocent... J  not so much but, i saw his posts so well..... it is cool.... and OOC not so much but I saw him swagger, (even that, not so much cause he was walking slowly)  I have a small rampage I am happy that OOC’s trip was cut short, so that I can see him for the rest of the week.. (which is odd because I was happy he was going away to give me sometime to feel better about things). 

Yesterday I sent an sms to the guy I recently met... it  was some lyrics to ‘where did our love go?’ by the Supremes... I could hear the song playing in my head most of the morning... and i had been having this desire to send it to him... and as  i was having such a wonderful day i thought that no harm could come out of me sending it to him... so i did. And today he sent me a message... i was soo freaking happy!!! So freaking happy!!!!  It went back and forth a little for a while...... which was good....

then a short while later I looked out of the window and there was OOC coming out of a car, looking all sexy and everything... it was weird I was very very sure that he was supposed to get back to the office on Monday next week at the least.. So I watched him for a while...

NOW for the big NEWS!!!! Drum roll...!!! On Saturday I went for a wedding and on my way to the wedding I listened to Abraham and I felt really really good. The whole wedding was SUPER... i mean i had a perfect day. In everyway, everything went my way. EVERYTHING!!!  I met fun people, beautiful people noticed me! at some point I met this fun guy, and I had a great time with him, it was all of 6 minutes tops!! But it was great fun, I remembered thinking on my way to the wedding that, it wasn’t  Fred that I wanted  per se, it wasn’t OOC it was the feeling.... that is what I was after, the feeling..... and I remember after meeting this guy, I thought that, although, I had met many other guys, (more like 2 super cute guys) but none of them gave me that feeling... (maybe because I didn’t think they could)... J anyhoo, today at lunch time, he  calls me and asks me if I am inside the office... an I was!!! Of late I have been wanting to have lunch away from the office but today I was... then he asks me, if I am wearing black or at least navy blue!!! And I was...!!!!!..... !!!!!...... !!! ..........!!!!!... Then we proceeded to have this odd conversation... THEN this evening I ask him how he could possibly have known where I was at the time!! And you know what he says? He says that a) I am employee of the month!!! (didn’t get that then...!!) And that one can tell the colours another is wearing from the tone of the voice!!!!! HUH!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I want to meet him and learn more... I am not yet at the feeling place BUT my dear Lord of Mercy... is it real?!! And Aber... really!!!! WOW!!!!!!  Absolutely perfect... there is nothing more important than feeling good!!!! NOTHING! 

6th July 2010

Today has been an interesting lesson in embarrassment and lack of approval. Mostly self approval. I know now, I realised today when I was walking back home that, this is where I am supposed to be.  You see today I was set on embarrassing myself. I guess a part of me just wanted the whole world to approve of me on my behalf. This is just a stage in the getting where I want to be. In 2 main ways:

a)      Before when I was trying to loose weight I had it in my mind all the time and I would work so so hard all the time. Trying always to do the right thing but it seems to me now that nothing worked till I relaxed and let go... all the while making an effort. It also happened, especially when I was wanting to have a little extra money in my experience. I tried so very hard everyday and it seemed that nothing worked until I just made soo many mistakes and eventually gave up on all things. And now I have a little extra money. More than in a very long time.

 b)      This place is a habit. I can choose to run away from it because it is fairly uncomfortable, it will come back, next time. It will be here again. It will come back to me again and will be here again. 

Really I don’t have a choice, I have to unravel this. There is no choice open to me right now except unravelling this. I have to work on this, space by space. I am getting a little reprieve, OOC is going away so I can work out my feelings towards him while he is away so as to make it easier...

Also at this moment, my almost is not really here. He is not here, not physically, not mentally. I can work on him right now. I can work on how I feel about him right now; I can allow it to be easy right now. Just like with Mtn. I can work on it then. I can allow it to be easy now. I can do my processes. I know how to do my processes and I know that I can learn how to unravel this too. I already have the knowledge...

This is a place of learning and in order not to move backwards or stay stagnant, I have to move forward. I have to make movements towards the front, I have to make movements. So now I can be grateful that I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. 

5th July 2010

Today I got a lesson in virtual reality from a person who doesn’t even believe!!!! Can you believe it!!! Oh my God!!! I remember this man I met once who I had a thing with in a foreign land and once he literally called me to him just by thinking about me.  J and now sometimes I worry, I think the wrong things and I end up creating things that are not very good for me.  But today my friend took me through what she does.... everyday... what she does everyday just daydreaming about this man and really  just enjoying what she is doing and eventually he came to her, in ways that she could never have imagined and he got very close to her. In fact he is getting really close to her.  He is getting really very close to her... can you believe it!!! It is actually working and she doesn’t even know what she is doing!!!!!

Well things are not only going well for her... for me today OOC held my hand... or at least he wanted to, he ended up holding my wrist cause well I chickened out but it actually happened.  It actually happened, just the way I had imagined it! Better even!!! Better even!!! Better even. It was even better than I wanted it to be... Ooh you know what this means though.... nasty things are on the way... he he he he he he he

Oh yeah, remember my almost... well the whole day he ignored me and well communicated with the whole effing world... then finally I was able to feel better...  I was able to feel better about things and you know what there waiting for me in my mail box was him... J  it was nice and he it was really nice... I love; I saw love being in the vortex... there is nothing like it...

And I have just realised something.... this thing with my virtual reality practising friend it was driftwood.   It was good, this morning with all its troubles, it was good. I was just reacting I was just recreating things of the old habits and which have nothing to do with what my life is about  right now... there are things I have been listening to Abraham say of late... which was that this manifestations that I am living they are past tense.. the things I am thinking about, that is my present tense and of that I can control 100% .

ALSO... no one needs me. Not one person needs me to do anything for them, they are doing already really really well. Already even better than me. There is nothing for me to teach them... all this is maybe what I need to do to be more like them, to be normal like them.

I am not going to be a teacher because the world needs another teacher, I will be a teacher because I want to teach.  Because it gives me joy to teach, when other people also have these tools to create lives that they can enjoy. 

4th July 2010

So yesterday I was thinking about how what I was looking for was a feeling and once I found it things just like it would show up and they did.

So today I have been thinking different things. You know about how I am such a horrible person and how I should just die and save the world from having to experience me... yeah I know... any hoo.... I became aware that I am not approving of myself... which is okay suppose... it is okay it is good... I went to see my sister and at the time I got there I was really in the vortex and it was great. I gave her the stuff... and her son... actually loved ... really loved the stuff... he showed them off to people... his friends....  I have never experienced that... and we had a nice time watching the DVDs I got for her.... the first one was of this really great looking artist (just remembering that man I love getting jealous of my ‘men’ anyhoo....) and it was nice watching him and his manliness then this other dude came on that I had heard of but never heard any of his songs.. Consciously anyway ...AND I loved his energy!!!   Oh!!! I loved his energy..... his enthusiasm... it was like he is really in the vortex all the time... in everything he does.... he just loves it ... very good... much passion. It reminded me about how I am not really the best looking person in any situation but how there are people that i prefer that will prefer me.

And I had the greatest time with my sister... really the greatest time... it was good... I really loved it... I really loved it.  I love time spent in the vortex. You know something funny... the last time I was at my Dad’s I also had a great time... we actually just sat and laughed..... we sat and laughed.... I sat back on my chair and we had a great time... a really nice time... mmmh I liked it .... it was nice.. really nice.

Also something interesting, I shared something intimate with my sister and it was very very good. J

Also, L I have been having a small spot of bother with judging myself. But I remembered something interesting..... I always have this reaction to when I have a nice experience with a man, especially if it was a very nice experience; I always come here.... so well I know that this is something to unravel.  I love at this second I love that it is possible to unravel.... I love that I have this possibility.  I love that my way to get out of this rut is coming alive and there is nothing for me to do but feel good. Nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good.  

3 July 2010

So today I had a good day. A very good. Day. How did all this start? Well I what happened. Okay banks went well.  Really well. The first one well took a little longer but the second one, there  were like 2 people in front of me.   And it went well. At the saloon I got a guy who made my hair really well and the nails lady did  a very quick job and I knew eventually I would like it and I did. To prepare myself I actually made a big effort. A really big effort. I put a mask on my face, I really made up my face I oiled all of me, and even put good lipstick to match my clothes.  I had even  got my car washed and everything.

I got out and used Waiyaki way and into James Gichuru road.  And I knew that eventually I would get my way and I went round and round in circles and got my way. All the way to Ngong rd!!! That was super... I asked for directions and got there in one piece. I tried calling Anne and could not get through.  Then I saw Perez and got soooo excited. I had someone to sit with and chat with and I got introduced to this married couple and this other girl who is engaged to him and it is cool cause you know driftwood.... J !!!! Then Perez actually took me to get food and got me a spoon and a soda and everything it was really nice.  I sat with his people and they were nice really nice and we laughed and they thought it was cute the way me and Perez were so jazzed by out names. ...  That was nice. 

Then ... I saw Anne and she was looking stunning!!! She had this amazing dress! Beautiful dress! She looked sooo great. So I went out to her and we hanged out I even joined in the dance and we hugged and it was great! It was soo great! It was fun I have never done that before and it was cool!!!

Then she came over and we sat together and we talked and it was nice. Nothing like I thought it would be, it was easy and sweet and it remained that way all day and part of the night. ... But that is a different story......   I took sooo many pictures of her. I could not get over how great she looked.... I loved how great she looked.....  I liked the interaction it was sooo great! It was nice... I liked being that downstream with her.... ah.... perfect....

Then we started noting all the cute guys... it was nice....then at some point she really wanted a stronger than air drink and there was this guy who was supposed to have the drink so I said I would go out to him and ask him if he had it. And the interaction was nice.....  Fun even I laughed a little he said he would buy then come back...

Then the wedding ended and Anne went about introducing me to her whole family.... it was alright.... many interesting and beautiful people....  then there were her friends from home and it was all hugs and everything....  and she introduced me and I took more pictures and it was good....  fun.... nice.....

Then I am off to meet Mr.  Cute sexy rugby guy!!! I had dismissed him as a baby 12 ½ years old! But after I saw him I could not get my eyes off him... it was interesting to note that he did the same .... For the rest of the day.... that was nice..... We took a pic which is going promptly into my facebook as ‘interaction with famous people’ it was cool I had a good pic and the interaction was sort of weird and difficult but we took a pic and we smiled ... nice....

Oh did I mention taking random pictures of other guys I thought were cute? I know ... I know... perfect!!! He he he J!!!!

Then I met a guy that I had met before... and he was friendly he asked me why we had not taken a pic together and we got to talking and it was nice... I had a big smile and we took many pictures and it was nice... really nice, we took a pic with my phone and he asked me to send the pic to his phone so that he could have it.... that was perfect then he asked me for my number...  oh perfection...  then I remembered that that I had said in the car... that uh.... what I wanted was the feeling.... I had told myself that what I wanted with my old maybe and with OOC was the feeling... that is what I wanted... and that feeling I can get it from anywhere... anywhere... anywhere... even from Mtn... Yes even from Mtn..... ... even with Mtn..... and yes... I was feeling it with oooh so what can we call him... Hugger... cause he gives such a sexy hug..... So I was feeling it with the sexy hugger..... It was nice... I got other pics with the MC oh he was something... very something.... 

Then I told Anne about the way I wanted to buy this foldable chair and a table for home... for my balcony (though at this second it is in front the telly watching ‘Friends’ as I type.... nice... and I wanted her to help me out cause she has such great taste... and that I would eventually drop her anywhere she needed to go... and she said cool.... and I had to wait cause as a beautiful woman it is necessary to be waited for...

I got the seat and the table for reasonable prices and now I am using them to do this... J!!!!

We rode down and Anne thought it would be a great idea to go see Sue at the hospital.... and it was amazing how cool it was.... how really cool it all was....

We went to the hospital and someone else I once had a serious...I mean oh God... I entered the room and my heart fluttered and I didn’t even know why... then I turned and there he was... nothing much to look at Oooooh!!!!!!!!!... BUT!!! BUT!!! SOMETHING!!  And we have liked each other ever since.... easy... we are basically the same... (Note to God.... clone him and give the clone to me...) his wife was there but it was easy.. We had interaction where it was just me and him.. And it was still good... and easy... and I wasn’t even freaking that his wife (who by the way is looking AMAZING!!!)...was there... totally normal.... NICE!!!...They even put a stand up comedian to entertain us... perfect  and you know something... that girl I have been looking for, for 5 years was there!!!!! J I told her the way I loved her music and I wanted to see her perform..... And she is really shy but beautiful music.... really beautiful.... if she ever told me that I had to travel 5 hours in order to hear her music... I would go...for shizzzy, nizzzy...  and she was there and I was like God loves me!! J I got her contact... and it was perfect!

Then time to go home and I was telling  Anne the way I love mutura and the way by dropping her home I could get a chance to get some... and she really wanted to make an effort to ensure that I got it but I told her that I wanted to make absolutely no effort at all! And that if  we got it quickly an easily then I would buy it, if not then not... and she took me for a ride on the wild side!!!! I am telling you on the freaking WILD SIDE!!!!!! Anyhoo... um... suddenly we reached a place and I saw it.... there was easy parking ... super easy... I just got out of the car and went to the place... they had the right amounts at the right price ... Ahhh Super!! And it was quick and easy and the attendant was also super nice.. ... J.... 

After some sort of jam, we got to her place and it was nice... I re-met her family and they were great... again... (Perfect) ... Then it was suggested that I give a lift to her sister and her husband to some place... and that I had to give them a little time to get ready and it was weird I liked the chairs... and they liked that... ... I liked them...

..... I am giving them this lift and it turns out it was such a great I gave them a lift cause I could not remember how I came in  J ... I got impatient with people who were having a thing.. ... Interesting.... I judged me.. L ... got over that....  then with their help I managed to get may way out... really if there were not there I would have been seriously lost... at the time I was thinking about people and what they were thinking so they told me what they were thinking... you know... L but it is cool I am feeling so much better about me and other people....

... and finally my drive back.... many close calls... but at the same time I am alive and nothing happened so that is good... but I am maybe far a little... apparently there are some car issues to work out... J but on the good side I am already feeling better about how other  people think about me... I like that other people like me... I like that other people like me... I like that other people like me I like that I like  me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I  like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that like me... 

What is happening today....

There is this guy... we will call him Fred... to protect the innocent. I used to be in love with Fred. I think he was the first guy I ever admitted to being in love with. Then at some point in my life, it became clear to me that it was possible for me to marry Fred... but I became to much too soon and it ended without much drama...

It has been my wish for a while to link up with a dude. I have been told that in order for a dude to love me, I have to love me... and well I have been trying... to love me... and now, especially in the last 2 weeks, I can think of me and feel good things.. really good things.. about me and I love that! I really really appreciate that.

Now, back to Fred. Today I am in the vortex, and I was thinking of all those good things that watching Pootie Tang did for me.... I was reciting things from the movie.. you know “Sa da tay!”, “Wa-da-tah!”, and I posted it on my profile, and we had an interesting long exchange on Pootie Tang phrases, which was super fun.....

Then later in the evening, a friend starts chatting to me about him..... and she asks me if he remembers her, and then, I ask him if he does... and then we go on and then he asks me out for coffee.. !!!!!!   !!!! So now we have a date for next Tuesday. Can you believe it!! I am aware that he is not the one for me, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT , he is a guy I like that used to drive me crazy, who I got crazy on and who just asked me out for coffee!!!!!

I like this because there is a guy that currently I am crazy for, who I am, have been crazy on.... (plenty of mind stalking).....

BUT...

Also I have been making a conscious effort to think good thoughts of my ex. Today I was totally in the vortex the whole day... and that works wonders as always!

My Book of Positive Aspects

Now, last week I attended a seminar, a talk on some interesting subject, but because of all the extra time spent dancing during the weekend I had great difficulty staying awake for that lecture. It was hard, the lecturer seemed dull, the scientific facts he belted out, meant nothing to me, and I really didn’t know what to do to keep myself from blacking out... Then I remembered Positive Aspects.... and I started chanting them, even writing them down..., that he really knew his subject ( and he really really did!!), that he had a nice nose,  ( yeah I know), that I liked how well he knew how to use his tech gadgets, that he had a nice watch, that though he was French he had very good command of the English language, he even played with it (it is my experience that for some reason most French people from France have a small issue with English), he had nice eye colour, he looked a little like Fred Flintstone, and I like Fred Flintstone,  about how his lecture was putting me so easily to sleep, and how much I loved sleeping...  and little by little I started waking up!! AND he transformed in front of my eyes, he suddenly became funny, he had these great seriously obvious sort of sarcastic but at the same time sweet jokes, and charming  and great and generous, and I just really felt that I appreciated every thing about him so much. And he sort of looked like he was in the vortex, he had all this energy.... ... then I started to drift off... you know.... Rampage of Appreciation here about what a great day I was having... etc... 

What is happening...

Well OOC is to me the epitome of men. I adore him, totally and completely, I basically only see his positive aspects. Honestly I only see his positive aspects, he can do no wrong, in my eyes( ... mmmh.... I know this is how I should see everyone....) but honestly he is like a breath of fresh air, he is soo lovely ( I was thinking about it today and, he is actually the best looking man in the office and me I have a thing for that) I really do love him and just breathing the same air as him makes life a little better, a whole lot better...

Anyhoo, I have been trying to create a relationship with him for a long time ( 2 years now) and every time I try to do something actual it always falls on my face, he suddenly becomes nasty... and I feel hurt... I had figured out some time back that the thing to do is to move back, move way back... way way back and just think of his positive aspect...

I did that last night and this morning and this whole day has been spent with him. I have criss crossed him the whole day. Literally every six seconds I bump into him and he is super. He actually wants to be with me... Ooh vortex... There is really nothing for me to do! Nothing for me to do but get happy!!! Just get happy!!

My self-love.....

I have never been someone who loves me... I have always loved other people. I have always preferred other people. The more loved they were, the more I preferred them, because I guess I always figured that, if I was them then I would be loved too. I so wanted to be loved. I have always wanted to be loved. Why did I want to be loved, because I thought that if other people loved me, then I would be loveable and then I could love me. I wanted/want to be a spiritual teacher so that other people could value me, love me, so that I could love me...

Then I met Abraham about 3 years ago, just by request.....:-) then tried to listen to what they were saying and when I could not understand I tried what other people were saying about what they were saying, that was easier... you know to which was very cool for me, I got some parts, understand.... then I went back to Abraham and now I could understand better.. but this year, this year has been my year of really trying...

.... and for the first time in a while... ( I don’t know why I say that cause I feel I was here last year for a short while) I am feel a lot of self love for me. I adore me. I think about me and I the thought I feel are warm, they are nice. I haven’t changed much, in fact I have gained a whole lot of weight. But I love me. I actually love me.

This past weekend, I got an invite to spend time with a friend and her friends. It was different for me cause normally, especially with men, I normally don’t know how to be around them... and be normal. But this time I was cool, I actually liked myself. The guy was a guy with a girl, and I thought he was sort of hot, ( which made me revise some of the things I want in a guy) and I was normal around him. His girl was there, and I was cool, I didn’t make a play for him, and I allowed me to be near him, without being totally weird. I liked who I was. I saw photos from the day out and this one is one of them and I love it!!! I really love it. Before I used to hate looking at photos of me, but now I actually love it. I was looking at other photos of me and I thought, they look great!! It is soo wonderful when you think you are great!! Makes for a wonderful day!


Now I am aware this is how normal people are, and this is how normal people behave, but for me it has been a long journey. Now I even love people who through their making my life difficult have brought me here.

So weightloss....

Since I was like 9 years old I have wanted to weigh less than I did... at anytime. I have always felt like I didn’t like my weight at the time and I wanted to be smaller, even when I was smaller... (I know that because I have since become bigger... much bigger..)

Recently, in the last 6 months, I have become bigger than I have EVER been... EVER!! And that has for the most part not been easy for me.... I spent a whole lot of time having trouble with it.....

Then about 4 weeks ago I decided that I am going to feel good. I am going to work at feeling good about me. I am going to find a way to feel better about me, just for the sake of it, and I am going to spend more time imagining me smaller, you know as a possibility (virtual reality-ing basically)... ( I have had great success with that when it came to my coaching thing... so I decided that I was going positively “virtual reality” slimming. I have been walking, I have been making the effort to walk, eat more veggis, drink more water etc, but to be honest my weight has stayed the same. I remembered that when I was much much younger, (much), I used to go out dancing often and I was quite small. In fact sometimes I would even look smaller after a night out.... so a few weeks ago, I thought how great it would be to go out dancing... spend like 6 hours on the dance floor, and I really enjoyed the thought... then last week I really wanted to, but didn’t and when I didn’t manage I didn’t give myself a hard time, I just said that is cool, at least I really want to now, so the next step is really near, then... this week past week, on Friday I thought about how much I wanted to go out dancing, so I ate, and at around 9.30pm I decided that it was a good time to go.. and I did and it was sooo great!!! I mean really great. I danced so much, it was nice to feel that, “okay I can do this here”! I really enjoyed myself. And I want to do that again. Maybe the 2 days you know Friday AND Saturday, maybe even take a day off and do it again then!!! 

Back to weightloss... you know on Sunday I dressed to go somewhere... and I could not believe how great I looked in what I was wearing!! Wow! I was actually smaller!! That was great. That was the most fun I have had loosing weight in a long time...

Discouragement!

What am I feeling about the side things I am doing. I am feeling a little discouraged. I am not really sure how, mainly because I have today received everything that I set out to receive. I still am feeling a little discouraged about how much I have achieved so far. And I know it is silly, after all it has been 2 whole days.. right?!!! But still I feel discouraged.

BUT I am happy that I know exactly where I am. And I can see how that is my practiced vibration when it comes to these things that I am doing. It is good. I am happy. I will continue to be happy. All this will be very very very well.

Today!

Today I am restarting. Today I am restarting to do what I have been wanting to do for nearly 20 years. Now it feels good. Now it feels doable. I have spent soo much time in the last 2 weeks just spending way too much time with Abraham. It was sooo good. I have been feeling really really good about me. I have been loving me soo much. I have been accepting me and my pot and my tyres, and loving me. I even went out and was soo uncomfortable around people who don't know how to be themselves. It feels sooo good. I am very happy. I want to keep track.

Today I read this post about a most wonderful dude who basically taught me how to create whatever you want. I want to keep a record of this. I want to keep a diary of this. I want to tell you all about it. I want to tell you what is going on around these things that I want.

Okay..... I want to be a coach, life coach and run a website.... That is what I am able to admit for now....

So day one

I walked today, for one hour. It was cool. I walked really slowly, for one hour. I was really extremely happy to walk for the sake of walking, not to loose weight. This past weekend I went to have new stuff made, you know that fit!!! It is weird... but I have been accepting who I am and just really having fun, and today I believe that a man I developed a crush on today did the same for me.

Work was interesting.... very interesting. I realise that I have to spend more time, listing the positive aspects of that job. It is a wonderful place, I get so much contrast, so much fodder to grow. I don't necessarily enjoy all this but, it is here, and I am getting good at really loving them. I am getting better at loving me. I am enjoying loving me. I love loving me. I enjoy loving me.


I want to add some pics in this blog, I thought, you know just to add some pazzaz.. I joke, maybe make it a little interesting.

This is good. ...

Mmmhhh! Interesting

I for the last month have been really worried about money, and I mean really really worried. So I devised ways and means physical and non-physical ways to make this money come into my life. And it is weird because the more I was worried about money the more I didn’t have money and in fact my money dwindled almost completely. I was worried, it got worse I got to a place that I had no love in my life, all the things I thought brought me joy seized to do so! That was shocking to me; I thought I could derive joy from watching a fly flirting its wings!!!! Men, I thought I was super god! So here I was sad, depressed, pissed at the whole world, the whole freaking world!!!!!!
So now when I notice it is the whole world I begin to realise that it is in fact ME! The problem is with me. ME! Not the whole world, just me.

So it becomes clear that things have to change. I have to find a way to love me again. I have to find a way to love money again; I have to find a way to accept that ALL THAT IS has my wellbeing at hear. It took a while but I am in the vicinity of love. I am in the vicinity of self acceptance; I am in the vicinity of happiness again. I now know that all this will be well. Isn’t all this wonderful!!!

Free stuff

I just go me a free T-Shirt oh and a Cap! Oh and the trip was cancelled (woo hoo! and the thing with the people I didn't want to do? Well they sort of cannot do it too!!! WOO HOO!!!!

I was in Rage/Hatred

Yes, I was in rage/hatred. I felt it very very very intensely and I didn't even know. I was in rage. I felt some serious anger, and I felt it very very vividly and I didn't even know it was happening. All this time I thought I was in anger. So the processes I was doing were based on the fact that, I thought I was angry. That is interesting. Very very interesting. I was wondering why revenge felt good, better, easier. I had wondered why revenge felt better. But there was still anger below it so I had been wondering.... anyhoo, at this point, not much to do but meditate for tonight that is the thing I can do. I cannot remember any of the processes and I know if I don't do this right, I will still be here.

I had tried doing some virtual reality, focus wheel but nothing seemed to help. I don't know, I am not sure how to deal with rage when speaking with the Sedona Method, but this is the place that I am in.


On the good side, I am alone again. I got to enjoy some of the things I enjoy while I am alone, like telly, and I guess the internet and some music... I walked this evening to try and make me feel better... I had a few beers and honestly although that helped yesterday today it did nothing for me, in fact I am rather sober right now which, I consider all in all to be a good thing.

I am considering and I know that there are many people already that I know who are exactly here. Even 2 friends I consider to be good friends, I am understanding how they are feeling. And I know that if I intend one day to make a living out of this then I will have to find a solution to this. One thing that is working is pivoting but as soon as I was off the telly I started back to rage. You know the vibration being exactly where you left it. So now I must, I must talk it down. I must move up just a little bit, just a little bit. Even a tiny little bit will be sooo good.. OR I could just ignore it! I could just ignore it and all the reasons for it. I must ignore it and all the reasons why it is. I must look for a reason to be happy, or just feel a little better.

The reason I am here is because of me and NOW I must take me to a new place. This is very very extremely good for me. It is very extremely perfect for my growth, my happiness, my expansion and all things that I want.

Once again. All this will be well. All will be well. All is already well. I already am on the right track. Thank you JESUS!

Oh today

Today honestly it has ended and that is good. I have all these things that have happened to me today and still I feel really really bad. I feel very bad about where I am in life, about my work about the way I life, who I am... it all just feels bad. I want to just go home and stay there forever. I want just disappear from the world, not die or anything like that, mostly just not deal with other people. I just feel so angry at everyone about everything, I guess in some ways I feel as though I am pissed at all the ways I am feeling people are doing.

Now I am very aware that the more I think this, the more I will get of this so I am a little stuck, of sorts. So there...