14th July 2010

I have of late been experiencing what I could call lapses... well at least I thought they were lapses... I wanted to document them but was too under the clouds to type!!  But yesterday things got better... I tried I actually made an effort to feel better... then things started to go my way and for the first time in 5 days (?)....I felt better... I got the afternoon off, and I didn’t even manage to do the stuff I wanted to  do BUT I ended up fixing something else which was really cool cause now I have that fixed which is super cool!!! Then I thought about doing what I got the time off for, but something just felt off, so I drove around for a bit, got some deli meats came home and fried... I tried to get some alcohol but didn’t manage... went to the next shop and got just the right thing, right price... and it was sooo smooth, (it was vodka; I don’t normally like hard drinks). I could hardly taste it!  I loved it!  It was soo perfect... then later that night it was like the first time in the 5 days I actually felt good. I mean really good.

I did my meditations and stuff, and this morning was cool; I actually spent some time actually listing stuff I liked, a little time not too much. I was having a little difficulty with someone I know, listed her negative aspect for a while and well you know how that ended up. ...

This morning I went off to work it started okay enough and the day was generally good... nothing special though, just normal... then I got this discount which was cool, really cool then later I got a lift, which was also...oh yeah... and during the day I got a message that I had missed to make a certain appointment and it worked out really well and very extremely easily... amazing... then I got my lift, went to a super market  and I thought about getting some alcohol and it was interesting , saying ‘no’ was not as hard as I thought. I am at home and have had extremely little alcohol. J!!!!  And that was very extremely cool.. I know I will understand the coolness tomorrow.. I will appreciate it. 

Also, I have some friends there’s A who sometimes depresses me----- a lot!!!  A whole lot... then there’s B who is okay, it is just that sometimes, like this afternoon, and now I think about her and I get shortness of breath with some dread..... Some dread.... that I am feeling right now... NOW A and B want to get together this weekend... in fact... B specifically asked me if A could come along.... which is cool I almost feel like just getting the two of them together  and just leaving me out of it... cause honestly I am extremely feeling a lot of shortness of breath, with dread..... It is Wednesday, not Saturday... i cannot decide for then... anyway, the good things about B is that she has an apartment and can house A  so that solves that problem...i am aware that all this will be  well. I know that all this will be well. All this will be well....  all this will be well... it will solve itself on it’s.....

This will be well... 

8 July 2010

Today I have spent the day discovering what happens to people when they stop consciously making efforts to feel good. So well at this moment I am here, but that is okay I can move...

So what has been happening, well for one NADA!!! Things in the office have been going on okay but in truth, well.. I have been having these amazing experiences... AMAZING the last few days, and today for some reason I cannot bring myself to a good feeling place as a result well I am here in this blah place... I realise from my contract extension that being in this blah place is not soooo ... all bad, I can be here for a while and that is fine... really very fine.. I can stay here and still I will get the results I desire...

The only thing is that I an not getting those super sexy amazing experiences.. I miss them, and I know I don't have them because.... well.... I miss them!!!!!! the only thing that this means is that I have to unravel this if I am to move... from here I need to change the way I am thinking!!! :-( because I have been here sooo long, I cannot remember how to do this... I am very far vibrationally.. that is the thing... I had gotten soo used to getting my happiness from these people, now it is time to get my happiness from ME!!! ( I just had a flashbulb moment there...) The thing that is going on, is that I am getting my happiness from them... now it is time to get my happiness from me.. or at least stay in a place. OOh Crap!!! now manifestations of my imaginings are coming true and it is crappy... WOW I can do this I can change my mind... I am sure I will manage... I just got me to the dumps and it is a little difficult to get out..

Tomorrow is another day.. all this will be well.

7th July 2010

Today was an amazing day!! All four of my men, showed up.   All four.... my almost ... Fred, let us call him Fred... to protect the innocent... J  not so much but, i saw his posts so well..... it is cool.... and OOC not so much but I saw him swagger, (even that, not so much cause he was walking slowly)  I have a small rampage I am happy that OOC’s trip was cut short, so that I can see him for the rest of the week.. (which is odd because I was happy he was going away to give me sometime to feel better about things). 

Yesterday I sent an sms to the guy I recently met... it  was some lyrics to ‘where did our love go?’ by the Supremes... I could hear the song playing in my head most of the morning... and i had been having this desire to send it to him... and as  i was having such a wonderful day i thought that no harm could come out of me sending it to him... so i did. And today he sent me a message... i was soo freaking happy!!! So freaking happy!!!!  It went back and forth a little for a while...... which was good....

then a short while later I looked out of the window and there was OOC coming out of a car, looking all sexy and everything... it was weird I was very very sure that he was supposed to get back to the office on Monday next week at the least.. So I watched him for a while...

NOW for the big NEWS!!!! Drum roll...!!! On Saturday I went for a wedding and on my way to the wedding I listened to Abraham and I felt really really good. The whole wedding was SUPER... i mean i had a perfect day. In everyway, everything went my way. EVERYTHING!!!  I met fun people, beautiful people noticed me! at some point I met this fun guy, and I had a great time with him, it was all of 6 minutes tops!! But it was great fun, I remembered thinking on my way to the wedding that, it wasn’t  Fred that I wanted  per se, it wasn’t OOC it was the feeling.... that is what I was after, the feeling..... and I remember after meeting this guy, I thought that, although, I had met many other guys, (more like 2 super cute guys) but none of them gave me that feeling... (maybe because I didn’t think they could)... J anyhoo, today at lunch time, he  calls me and asks me if I am inside the office... an I was!!! Of late I have been wanting to have lunch away from the office but today I was... then he asks me, if I am wearing black or at least navy blue!!! And I was...!!!!!..... !!!!!...... !!! ..........!!!!!... Then we proceeded to have this odd conversation... THEN this evening I ask him how he could possibly have known where I was at the time!! And you know what he says? He says that a) I am employee of the month!!! (didn’t get that then...!!) And that one can tell the colours another is wearing from the tone of the voice!!!!! HUH!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I want to meet him and learn more... I am not yet at the feeling place BUT my dear Lord of Mercy... is it real?!! And Aber... really!!!! WOW!!!!!!  Absolutely perfect... there is nothing more important than feeling good!!!! NOTHING! 

6th July 2010

Today has been an interesting lesson in embarrassment and lack of approval. Mostly self approval. I know now, I realised today when I was walking back home that, this is where I am supposed to be.  You see today I was set on embarrassing myself. I guess a part of me just wanted the whole world to approve of me on my behalf. This is just a stage in the getting where I want to be. In 2 main ways:

a)      Before when I was trying to loose weight I had it in my mind all the time and I would work so so hard all the time. Trying always to do the right thing but it seems to me now that nothing worked till I relaxed and let go... all the while making an effort. It also happened, especially when I was wanting to have a little extra money in my experience. I tried so very hard everyday and it seemed that nothing worked until I just made soo many mistakes and eventually gave up on all things. And now I have a little extra money. More than in a very long time.

 b)      This place is a habit. I can choose to run away from it because it is fairly uncomfortable, it will come back, next time. It will be here again. It will come back to me again and will be here again. 

Really I don’t have a choice, I have to unravel this. There is no choice open to me right now except unravelling this. I have to work on this, space by space. I am getting a little reprieve, OOC is going away so I can work out my feelings towards him while he is away so as to make it easier...

Also at this moment, my almost is not really here. He is not here, not physically, not mentally. I can work on him right now. I can work on how I feel about him right now; I can allow it to be easy right now. Just like with Mtn. I can work on it then. I can allow it to be easy now. I can do my processes. I know how to do my processes and I know that I can learn how to unravel this too. I already have the knowledge...

This is a place of learning and in order not to move backwards or stay stagnant, I have to move forward. I have to make movements towards the front, I have to make movements. So now I can be grateful that I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. 

5th July 2010

Today I got a lesson in virtual reality from a person who doesn’t even believe!!!! Can you believe it!!! Oh my God!!! I remember this man I met once who I had a thing with in a foreign land and once he literally called me to him just by thinking about me.  J and now sometimes I worry, I think the wrong things and I end up creating things that are not very good for me.  But today my friend took me through what she does.... everyday... what she does everyday just daydreaming about this man and really  just enjoying what she is doing and eventually he came to her, in ways that she could never have imagined and he got very close to her. In fact he is getting really close to her.  He is getting really very close to her... can you believe it!!! It is actually working and she doesn’t even know what she is doing!!!!!

Well things are not only going well for her... for me today OOC held my hand... or at least he wanted to, he ended up holding my wrist cause well I chickened out but it actually happened.  It actually happened, just the way I had imagined it! Better even!!! Better even!!! Better even. It was even better than I wanted it to be... Ooh you know what this means though.... nasty things are on the way... he he he he he he he

Oh yeah, remember my almost... well the whole day he ignored me and well communicated with the whole effing world... then finally I was able to feel better...  I was able to feel better about things and you know what there waiting for me in my mail box was him... J  it was nice and he it was really nice... I love; I saw love being in the vortex... there is nothing like it...

And I have just realised something.... this thing with my virtual reality practising friend it was driftwood.   It was good, this morning with all its troubles, it was good. I was just reacting I was just recreating things of the old habits and which have nothing to do with what my life is about  right now... there are things I have been listening to Abraham say of late... which was that this manifestations that I am living they are past tense.. the things I am thinking about, that is my present tense and of that I can control 100% .

ALSO... no one needs me. Not one person needs me to do anything for them, they are doing already really really well. Already even better than me. There is nothing for me to teach them... all this is maybe what I need to do to be more like them, to be normal like them.

I am not going to be a teacher because the world needs another teacher, I will be a teacher because I want to teach.  Because it gives me joy to teach, when other people also have these tools to create lives that they can enjoy. 

4th July 2010

So yesterday I was thinking about how what I was looking for was a feeling and once I found it things just like it would show up and they did.

So today I have been thinking different things. You know about how I am such a horrible person and how I should just die and save the world from having to experience me... yeah I know... any hoo.... I became aware that I am not approving of myself... which is okay suppose... it is okay it is good... I went to see my sister and at the time I got there I was really in the vortex and it was great. I gave her the stuff... and her son... actually loved ... really loved the stuff... he showed them off to people... his friends....  I have never experienced that... and we had a nice time watching the DVDs I got for her.... the first one was of this really great looking artist (just remembering that man I love getting jealous of my ‘men’ anyhoo....) and it was nice watching him and his manliness then this other dude came on that I had heard of but never heard any of his songs.. Consciously anyway ...AND I loved his energy!!!   Oh!!! I loved his energy..... his enthusiasm... it was like he is really in the vortex all the time... in everything he does.... he just loves it ... very good... much passion. It reminded me about how I am not really the best looking person in any situation but how there are people that i prefer that will prefer me.

And I had the greatest time with my sister... really the greatest time... it was good... I really loved it... I really loved it.  I love time spent in the vortex. You know something funny... the last time I was at my Dad’s I also had a great time... we actually just sat and laughed..... we sat and laughed.... I sat back on my chair and we had a great time... a really nice time... mmmh I liked it .... it was nice.. really nice.

Also something interesting, I shared something intimate with my sister and it was very very good. J

Also, L I have been having a small spot of bother with judging myself. But I remembered something interesting..... I always have this reaction to when I have a nice experience with a man, especially if it was a very nice experience; I always come here.... so well I know that this is something to unravel.  I love at this second I love that it is possible to unravel.... I love that I have this possibility.  I love that my way to get out of this rut is coming alive and there is nothing for me to do but feel good. Nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good.  

3 July 2010

So today I had a good day. A very good. Day. How did all this start? Well I what happened. Okay banks went well.  Really well. The first one well took a little longer but the second one, there  were like 2 people in front of me.   And it went well. At the saloon I got a guy who made my hair really well and the nails lady did  a very quick job and I knew eventually I would like it and I did. To prepare myself I actually made a big effort. A really big effort. I put a mask on my face, I really made up my face I oiled all of me, and even put good lipstick to match my clothes.  I had even  got my car washed and everything.

I got out and used Waiyaki way and into James Gichuru road.  And I knew that eventually I would get my way and I went round and round in circles and got my way. All the way to Ngong rd!!! That was super... I asked for directions and got there in one piece. I tried calling Anne and could not get through.  Then I saw Perez and got soooo excited. I had someone to sit with and chat with and I got introduced to this married couple and this other girl who is engaged to him and it is cool cause you know driftwood.... J !!!! Then Perez actually took me to get food and got me a spoon and a soda and everything it was really nice.  I sat with his people and they were nice really nice and we laughed and they thought it was cute the way me and Perez were so jazzed by out names. ...  That was nice. 

Then ... I saw Anne and she was looking stunning!!! She had this amazing dress! Beautiful dress! She looked sooo great. So I went out to her and we hanged out I even joined in the dance and we hugged and it was great! It was soo great! It was fun I have never done that before and it was cool!!!

Then she came over and we sat together and we talked and it was nice. Nothing like I thought it would be, it was easy and sweet and it remained that way all day and part of the night. ... But that is a different story......   I took sooo many pictures of her. I could not get over how great she looked.... I loved how great she looked.....  I liked the interaction it was sooo great! It was nice... I liked being that downstream with her.... ah.... perfect....

Then we started noting all the cute guys... it was nice....then at some point she really wanted a stronger than air drink and there was this guy who was supposed to have the drink so I said I would go out to him and ask him if he had it. And the interaction was nice.....  Fun even I laughed a little he said he would buy then come back...

Then the wedding ended and Anne went about introducing me to her whole family.... it was alright.... many interesting and beautiful people....  then there were her friends from home and it was all hugs and everything....  and she introduced me and I took more pictures and it was good....  fun.... nice.....

Then I am off to meet Mr.  Cute sexy rugby guy!!! I had dismissed him as a baby 12 ½ years old! But after I saw him I could not get my eyes off him... it was interesting to note that he did the same .... For the rest of the day.... that was nice..... We took a pic which is going promptly into my facebook as ‘interaction with famous people’ it was cool I had a good pic and the interaction was sort of weird and difficult but we took a pic and we smiled ... nice....

Oh did I mention taking random pictures of other guys I thought were cute? I know ... I know... perfect!!! He he he J!!!!

Then I met a guy that I had met before... and he was friendly he asked me why we had not taken a pic together and we got to talking and it was nice... I had a big smile and we took many pictures and it was nice... really nice, we took a pic with my phone and he asked me to send the pic to his phone so that he could have it.... that was perfect then he asked me for my number...  oh perfection...  then I remembered that that I had said in the car... that uh.... what I wanted was the feeling.... I had told myself that what I wanted with my old maybe and with OOC was the feeling... that is what I wanted... and that feeling I can get it from anywhere... anywhere... anywhere... even from Mtn... Yes even from Mtn..... ... even with Mtn..... and yes... I was feeling it with oooh so what can we call him... Hugger... cause he gives such a sexy hug..... So I was feeling it with the sexy hugger..... It was nice... I got other pics with the MC oh he was something... very something.... 

Then I told Anne about the way I wanted to buy this foldable chair and a table for home... for my balcony (though at this second it is in front the telly watching ‘Friends’ as I type.... nice... and I wanted her to help me out cause she has such great taste... and that I would eventually drop her anywhere she needed to go... and she said cool.... and I had to wait cause as a beautiful woman it is necessary to be waited for...

I got the seat and the table for reasonable prices and now I am using them to do this... J!!!!

We rode down and Anne thought it would be a great idea to go see Sue at the hospital.... and it was amazing how cool it was.... how really cool it all was....

We went to the hospital and someone else I once had a serious...I mean oh God... I entered the room and my heart fluttered and I didn’t even know why... then I turned and there he was... nothing much to look at Oooooh!!!!!!!!!... BUT!!! BUT!!! SOMETHING!!  And we have liked each other ever since.... easy... we are basically the same... (Note to God.... clone him and give the clone to me...) his wife was there but it was easy.. We had interaction where it was just me and him.. And it was still good... and easy... and I wasn’t even freaking that his wife (who by the way is looking AMAZING!!!)...was there... totally normal.... NICE!!!...They even put a stand up comedian to entertain us... perfect  and you know something... that girl I have been looking for, for 5 years was there!!!!! J I told her the way I loved her music and I wanted to see her perform..... And she is really shy but beautiful music.... really beautiful.... if she ever told me that I had to travel 5 hours in order to hear her music... I would go...for shizzzy, nizzzy...  and she was there and I was like God loves me!! J I got her contact... and it was perfect!

Then time to go home and I was telling  Anne the way I love mutura and the way by dropping her home I could get a chance to get some... and she really wanted to make an effort to ensure that I got it but I told her that I wanted to make absolutely no effort at all! And that if  we got it quickly an easily then I would buy it, if not then not... and she took me for a ride on the wild side!!!! I am telling you on the freaking WILD SIDE!!!!!! Anyhoo... um... suddenly we reached a place and I saw it.... there was easy parking ... super easy... I just got out of the car and went to the place... they had the right amounts at the right price ... Ahhh Super!! And it was quick and easy and the attendant was also super nice.. ... J.... 

After some sort of jam, we got to her place and it was nice... I re-met her family and they were great... again... (Perfect) ... Then it was suggested that I give a lift to her sister and her husband to some place... and that I had to give them a little time to get ready and it was weird I liked the chairs... and they liked that... ... I liked them...

..... I am giving them this lift and it turns out it was such a great I gave them a lift cause I could not remember how I came in  J ... I got impatient with people who were having a thing.. ... Interesting.... I judged me.. L ... got over that....  then with their help I managed to get may way out... really if there were not there I would have been seriously lost... at the time I was thinking about people and what they were thinking so they told me what they were thinking... you know... L but it is cool I am feeling so much better about me and other people....

... and finally my drive back.... many close calls... but at the same time I am alive and nothing happened so that is good... but I am maybe far a little... apparently there are some car issues to work out... J but on the good side I am already feeling better about how other  people think about me... I like that other people like me... I like that other people like me... I like that other people like me I like that I like  me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I  like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that like me...