6th July 2010

Today has been an interesting lesson in embarrassment and lack of approval. Mostly self approval. I know now, I realised today when I was walking back home that, this is where I am supposed to be.  You see today I was set on embarrassing myself. I guess a part of me just wanted the whole world to approve of me on my behalf. This is just a stage in the getting where I want to be. In 2 main ways:

a)      Before when I was trying to loose weight I had it in my mind all the time and I would work so so hard all the time. Trying always to do the right thing but it seems to me now that nothing worked till I relaxed and let go... all the while making an effort. It also happened, especially when I was wanting to have a little extra money in my experience. I tried so very hard everyday and it seemed that nothing worked until I just made soo many mistakes and eventually gave up on all things. And now I have a little extra money. More than in a very long time.

 b)      This place is a habit. I can choose to run away from it because it is fairly uncomfortable, it will come back, next time. It will be here again. It will come back to me again and will be here again. 

Really I don’t have a choice, I have to unravel this. There is no choice open to me right now except unravelling this. I have to work on this, space by space. I am getting a little reprieve, OOC is going away so I can work out my feelings towards him while he is away so as to make it easier...

Also at this moment, my almost is not really here. He is not here, not physically, not mentally. I can work on him right now. I can work on how I feel about him right now; I can allow it to be easy right now. Just like with Mtn. I can work on it then. I can allow it to be easy now. I can do my processes. I know how to do my processes and I know that I can learn how to unravel this too. I already have the knowledge...

This is a place of learning and in order not to move backwards or stay stagnant, I have to move forward. I have to make movements towards the front, I have to make movements. So now I can be grateful that I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn.