4th July 2010

So yesterday I was thinking about how what I was looking for was a feeling and once I found it things just like it would show up and they did.

So today I have been thinking different things. You know about how I am such a horrible person and how I should just die and save the world from having to experience me... yeah I know... any hoo.... I became aware that I am not approving of myself... which is okay suppose... it is okay it is good... I went to see my sister and at the time I got there I was really in the vortex and it was great. I gave her the stuff... and her son... actually loved ... really loved the stuff... he showed them off to people... his friends....  I have never experienced that... and we had a nice time watching the DVDs I got for her.... the first one was of this really great looking artist (just remembering that man I love getting jealous of my ‘men’ anyhoo....) and it was nice watching him and his manliness then this other dude came on that I had heard of but never heard any of his songs.. Consciously anyway ...AND I loved his energy!!!   Oh!!! I loved his energy..... his enthusiasm... it was like he is really in the vortex all the time... in everything he does.... he just loves it ... very good... much passion. It reminded me about how I am not really the best looking person in any situation but how there are people that i prefer that will prefer me.

And I had the greatest time with my sister... really the greatest time... it was good... I really loved it... I really loved it.  I love time spent in the vortex. You know something funny... the last time I was at my Dad’s I also had a great time... we actually just sat and laughed..... we sat and laughed.... I sat back on my chair and we had a great time... a really nice time... mmmh I liked it .... it was nice.. really nice.

Also something interesting, I shared something intimate with my sister and it was very very good. J

Also, L I have been having a small spot of bother with judging myself. But I remembered something interesting..... I always have this reaction to when I have a nice experience with a man, especially if it was a very nice experience; I always come here.... so well I know that this is something to unravel.  I love at this second I love that it is possible to unravel.... I love that I have this possibility.  I love that my way to get out of this rut is coming alive and there is nothing for me to do but feel good. Nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good.