What is happening today....

There is this guy... we will call him Fred... to protect the innocent. I used to be in love with Fred. I think he was the first guy I ever admitted to being in love with. Then at some point in my life, it became clear to me that it was possible for me to marry Fred... but I became to much too soon and it ended without much drama...

It has been my wish for a while to link up with a dude. I have been told that in order for a dude to love me, I have to love me... and well I have been trying... to love me... and now, especially in the last 2 weeks, I can think of me and feel good things.. really good things.. about me and I love that! I really really appreciate that.

Now, back to Fred. Today I am in the vortex, and I was thinking of all those good things that watching Pootie Tang did for me.... I was reciting things from the movie.. you know “Sa da tay!”, “Wa-da-tah!”, and I posted it on my profile, and we had an interesting long exchange on Pootie Tang phrases, which was super fun.....

Then later in the evening, a friend starts chatting to me about him..... and she asks me if he remembers her, and then, I ask him if he does... and then we go on and then he asks me out for coffee.. !!!!!!   !!!! So now we have a date for next Tuesday. Can you believe it!! I am aware that he is not the one for me, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT , he is a guy I like that used to drive me crazy, who I got crazy on and who just asked me out for coffee!!!!!

I like this because there is a guy that currently I am crazy for, who I am, have been crazy on.... (plenty of mind stalking).....

BUT...

Also I have been making a conscious effort to think good thoughts of my ex. Today I was totally in the vortex the whole day... and that works wonders as always!

My Book of Positive Aspects

Now, last week I attended a seminar, a talk on some interesting subject, but because of all the extra time spent dancing during the weekend I had great difficulty staying awake for that lecture. It was hard, the lecturer seemed dull, the scientific facts he belted out, meant nothing to me, and I really didn’t know what to do to keep myself from blacking out... Then I remembered Positive Aspects.... and I started chanting them, even writing them down..., that he really knew his subject ( and he really really did!!), that he had a nice nose,  ( yeah I know), that I liked how well he knew how to use his tech gadgets, that he had a nice watch, that though he was French he had very good command of the English language, he even played with it (it is my experience that for some reason most French people from France have a small issue with English), he had nice eye colour, he looked a little like Fred Flintstone, and I like Fred Flintstone,  about how his lecture was putting me so easily to sleep, and how much I loved sleeping...  and little by little I started waking up!! AND he transformed in front of my eyes, he suddenly became funny, he had these great seriously obvious sort of sarcastic but at the same time sweet jokes, and charming  and great and generous, and I just really felt that I appreciated every thing about him so much. And he sort of looked like he was in the vortex, he had all this energy.... ... then I started to drift off... you know.... Rampage of Appreciation here about what a great day I was having... etc... 

What is happening...

Well OOC is to me the epitome of men. I adore him, totally and completely, I basically only see his positive aspects. Honestly I only see his positive aspects, he can do no wrong, in my eyes( ... mmmh.... I know this is how I should see everyone....) but honestly he is like a breath of fresh air, he is soo lovely ( I was thinking about it today and, he is actually the best looking man in the office and me I have a thing for that) I really do love him and just breathing the same air as him makes life a little better, a whole lot better...

Anyhoo, I have been trying to create a relationship with him for a long time ( 2 years now) and every time I try to do something actual it always falls on my face, he suddenly becomes nasty... and I feel hurt... I had figured out some time back that the thing to do is to move back, move way back... way way back and just think of his positive aspect...

I did that last night and this morning and this whole day has been spent with him. I have criss crossed him the whole day. Literally every six seconds I bump into him and he is super. He actually wants to be with me... Ooh vortex... There is really nothing for me to do! Nothing for me to do but get happy!!! Just get happy!!

My self-love.....

I have never been someone who loves me... I have always loved other people. I have always preferred other people. The more loved they were, the more I preferred them, because I guess I always figured that, if I was them then I would be loved too. I so wanted to be loved. I have always wanted to be loved. Why did I want to be loved, because I thought that if other people loved me, then I would be loveable and then I could love me. I wanted/want to be a spiritual teacher so that other people could value me, love me, so that I could love me...

Then I met Abraham about 3 years ago, just by request.....:-) then tried to listen to what they were saying and when I could not understand I tried what other people were saying about what they were saying, that was easier... you know to which was very cool for me, I got some parts, understand.... then I went back to Abraham and now I could understand better.. but this year, this year has been my year of really trying...

.... and for the first time in a while... ( I don’t know why I say that cause I feel I was here last year for a short while) I am feel a lot of self love for me. I adore me. I think about me and I the thought I feel are warm, they are nice. I haven’t changed much, in fact I have gained a whole lot of weight. But I love me. I actually love me.

This past weekend, I got an invite to spend time with a friend and her friends. It was different for me cause normally, especially with men, I normally don’t know how to be around them... and be normal. But this time I was cool, I actually liked myself. The guy was a guy with a girl, and I thought he was sort of hot, ( which made me revise some of the things I want in a guy) and I was normal around him. His girl was there, and I was cool, I didn’t make a play for him, and I allowed me to be near him, without being totally weird. I liked who I was. I saw photos from the day out and this one is one of them and I love it!!! I really love it. Before I used to hate looking at photos of me, but now I actually love it. I was looking at other photos of me and I thought, they look great!! It is soo wonderful when you think you are great!! Makes for a wonderful day!


Now I am aware this is how normal people are, and this is how normal people behave, but for me it has been a long journey. Now I even love people who through their making my life difficult have brought me here.

So weightloss....

Since I was like 9 years old I have wanted to weigh less than I did... at anytime. I have always felt like I didn’t like my weight at the time and I wanted to be smaller, even when I was smaller... (I know that because I have since become bigger... much bigger..)

Recently, in the last 6 months, I have become bigger than I have EVER been... EVER!! And that has for the most part not been easy for me.... I spent a whole lot of time having trouble with it.....

Then about 4 weeks ago I decided that I am going to feel good. I am going to work at feeling good about me. I am going to find a way to feel better about me, just for the sake of it, and I am going to spend more time imagining me smaller, you know as a possibility (virtual reality-ing basically)... ( I have had great success with that when it came to my coaching thing... so I decided that I was going positively “virtual reality” slimming. I have been walking, I have been making the effort to walk, eat more veggis, drink more water etc, but to be honest my weight has stayed the same. I remembered that when I was much much younger, (much), I used to go out dancing often and I was quite small. In fact sometimes I would even look smaller after a night out.... so a few weeks ago, I thought how great it would be to go out dancing... spend like 6 hours on the dance floor, and I really enjoyed the thought... then last week I really wanted to, but didn’t and when I didn’t manage I didn’t give myself a hard time, I just said that is cool, at least I really want to now, so the next step is really near, then... this week past week, on Friday I thought about how much I wanted to go out dancing, so I ate, and at around 9.30pm I decided that it was a good time to go.. and I did and it was sooo great!!! I mean really great. I danced so much, it was nice to feel that, “okay I can do this here”! I really enjoyed myself. And I want to do that again. Maybe the 2 days you know Friday AND Saturday, maybe even take a day off and do it again then!!! 

Back to weightloss... you know on Sunday I dressed to go somewhere... and I could not believe how great I looked in what I was wearing!! Wow! I was actually smaller!! That was great. That was the most fun I have had loosing weight in a long time...