Forgive everyone for everything!

I have come to a space of righteous anger... justified anger... where people were shit to me and it just hurt so bad. It hurt so very bad! 

In my mind they were absolutely wrong and I was absolutely right! I was holding this mega grudge and feeling the crap sadness and self-pity that comes with this...  Sometimes it got so bad and I broke down a few times. 

Something interesting was that the things that I know to do, were not working!!! It just wasn't working... and I felt as though I was in the inside of a hole. But my Higher Power came through and gave a process after which, I could finally breath. I released all of those crap emotions and I felt as though there was light at the end of the tunnel. 

The reasons for the breakdown came through... I was not being consistent... I wasn't being consistent in my actions for my business... I wasn't being loving toward me... I wasn't being serious about the things that I should be serious about!!  

I love this space that I am in... I am feeling better about the things that I know.. the gifts that I have been given, the knowledge that I have been given. 

Also they are wrong but they are human.. AND it is my teachings, my life, everything that I believe that it is important... no.. vital... to forgive everyone..... for everything.... 

A Documentation for my Journey!

 So a few days ago, someone impressed upon me that their method of success is the only method of success. They said that if I don't do what they say then I would NEVER NEVER see success. That if I didn't follow their method then I would never see the success that I want. And it was kind of harsh, it was it was either my way or the highway. 

They are a great success. They have done very well for themselves. Without a doubt in any country in the WORLD they are a success. They have worked hard and they have made it  big. They are working now to be even bigger and that is wonderful and amazing and to be very honest I am very happy for them. 

I wanted to be a part of this success. I wanted to help them reach this next most ambitious goal that they had set for themselves and it was quite exciting for a minute... till they mentioned that they think my methods are crap and they don't believe in it and if I didn't do what they wanted I should go shoot myself up a tree. They said that if I didn't do exactly what they wanted then I would fail. I would never succeed!! 

This got me thinking... first of all I am an adult... and have been for more than 30 years I don't have to do what anyone says. 

Also, lately, in the last like 1.5 years my methods have been working like gangbusters!!! It is the reason why we were speaking to begin with. In all the reasons… why I could actually do that, the money involved they technology, the reason why.. Because of this “failure” method.  I have doubled my income about 4 times, since starting this method and going for the 5th. I have made me attractive to the opposite sex, I have improved my relationship with me. I have learnt so much! I believe in me more, I trust me more, I have finished many things that I started, I  have discovered that I have ADHD and have started getting to know how to work better with this.   And have started to give me  a bit more grace. 

To be honest I am grateful, very grateful for that speech. It was sooo very painful. So incredibly painful. So very very painful. It was sooo painful that I decided that it was time for me to remove the vast amount of energy from her ambitions and put that in mine…. Because as much as I want her to succeed… it is painful to work for the goals of other and only to get trolled for being such a failure in life. To be reminded how much help you need.  How much you have failed when others have succeed. 

All of this made me feel like my contribution is not valued. She doesn’t value my contribution to her, to her life and her business.  And she is right, value is based on how someone sees it. So it is good and it is fair.   

But that made me realise that I have to shift my focus. I have to focus on me now and my  goals and my methods and the things that I believe in.   I have to be sooo focused on me. I have to adore me and my ambitions.  So actually I am grateful for her. I am grateful that she broke my heart again. I am grateful that she made me feel pain which concentrates my focus. I am grateful. 

Since then, Google has shown me how my loves can bring me money and joy.  It has also  shown me that I should follow the path of love. Absolute love. That the thing is to keep going into love.  Some people read these things. There are some people who read these things. This is why I want to document my journey to me doubling my money in 90 days. I am starting at point 0.8 and I want to get it to point 0.16.  From 1 Dec 2023 to 29 February 2024. That is what I want to do. 

Day 3

So this is day 3 of thanking God profusely for all things. .. Got cheese and meats and nice booze. I got home and found out that things are getting better. .. finally. ... finally. ... So lesson. .. Thank God for all things. ...

SO!!!!

!!!! You may be aware that  I am soon quitting my job. And that that part of my life is over for now. And there are many parts of it that are really very scary. Really very scary. BUT the perfect thing is that I have time. I have time. I have time to clean up on things. On really many things. And that is really cool. I am feeling alright now. I am feeling good about this place that I am in. And the way my emotions are jumping up and down I know that there is a chance that I can stabilise. Really stabilise. I think that when that happens it really will be very very cool.

24 August 2010

This morning or rather yesterday ...I woke very very early at around 11.30pm and started cleaning up my apartment. I didn’t really intend to... but once I started, it was mostly fun and I managed to clean in the whole house and even wash the dishes that were slowly pilling up in my sink.

Something happened though when I was washing my bathroom. My bathroom is split into 2. There is the shower place and the toilet. The shower has a small barrier that prevents water from flowing onto the floor and into the other rooms but the toilet space does not. I think it is a very cool construction........ So as I was washing the toilet side of the bathroom, I was worried about the water flowing into the rest of the house. I thought that I would have to wipe off with a piece of cloth. And I didn’t want to because it would be tedious, and hard and I wanted something easier... and I wondered for a while.... then it came to me, I could use the mop... I have a mop and it is so much easier to use and much more fun and I would not even break a sweat, easy pizzy solution to a conundrum...

What is my point? My point is that before I started my project I had no solution, and even no idea that this problem would present itself. But the answer came just when I needed it... I came when it was necessary for it to come. I didn’t have to worry about it I didn’t have to program and prepare to prevent the problem, the solution came to me when I needed it, and the answer came to me when I needed it. ......

What is my point? (Again!!!) There is no need for me to worry, all this will be well, and I will find the answers to all the questions that I will have. Any problem that I will have, a solution to it will come to me. There is nothing to worry about... all this will be will.

18 August 2010

I have all these people in my life and I have different feelings towards them all most times... mostly because the feelings I have towards them, they are valid and come from valid experiences and they are TRUE!!

Yesterday, however I realized that there is one exception to that rule. There is this person I like very much, I call him OOC. He is a very nice person and I appreciate him greatly and to me he can do no wrong. I realized, however, yesterday that the reason I like him so much because I only ‘see’ his positive aspects. And even when he does stuff that hurt, and it does sometimes so much I cry myself to sleep, but still when I look at him, I only see his positive aspects. J

This taught me, yesterday, that well, I can do this for all people, Mtn, My Old Maybe, my various girlfriends, my workmates... MY FAMILY!!!, especially my family.. it is possible to for me to only ‘see’ their positive aspects only... and it is only that that I will experience... I don’t have to let what is true muddle up my experience...and it will be so much more fun....

Also make peace with who I am and what I am doing... 

4 August 2010

You know something interesting. I have an old almost (Old Almost) that I have been into for the last 14 years and I have always still had a thing for him.  And of late he has been asking me out a lot and most times something happens, and the last time was yesterday evening.  And to be honest it really felt horrible. Really terrible.  I have been hurting and hurting myself over it for a while and I knew that eventually I would feel better about this. I knew that eventually I would feel really good about me about this. And new things are getting better.  I like that things at this second are actually better.

I am learning something else. This moment that I am living in this second... I am in a nice restaurant, the sun is sort of out (very sort of) and I am sitting with my laptop typing this... i have wanted this for a while. It has been one of my favourite subjects for Virtual Reality... and at this second, as I type this, I am living it!!!!!!!! I am really living it. Right now at this second, my current life is something I dreamt up!!! I am wearing bohemian, the shoes, the shirt, I am pretty in this nice hair and nails and the sun is out and I am really really enjoying this second. I am really enjoying this second.  Really really enjoying it, and it is better than in my VR cause here there is a sort of cute and nerdy guy making eyes at me.

So my point is that this stuff works.  And yesterday all that VR that I was doing it was not a mistake. It was the way it was supposed to be. Apparently I can have anything I want. I can have everything I want. I can just max here for a long while and just really enjoy being here. It is good that all this is really good.  I am glad that all this is really good.  Yes, things are the way they are right now, and that is good.

Also I remember thinking earlier today, when I was feeling really bad, and OOC had just finished making me feel unloved, and I was thinking up a rampage about the way this whole crap DOES NOT WORK!!!... and I had a moment of realisation that the reason he could do that is that, I was already feeling that way... though at that moment it didn’t feel particularly funny

14th July 2010

I have of late been experiencing what I could call lapses... well at least I thought they were lapses... I wanted to document them but was too under the clouds to type!!  But yesterday things got better... I tried I actually made an effort to feel better... then things started to go my way and for the first time in 5 days (?)....I felt better... I got the afternoon off, and I didn’t even manage to do the stuff I wanted to  do BUT I ended up fixing something else which was really cool cause now I have that fixed which is super cool!!! Then I thought about doing what I got the time off for, but something just felt off, so I drove around for a bit, got some deli meats came home and fried... I tried to get some alcohol but didn’t manage... went to the next shop and got just the right thing, right price... and it was sooo smooth, (it was vodka; I don’t normally like hard drinks). I could hardly taste it!  I loved it!  It was soo perfect... then later that night it was like the first time in the 5 days I actually felt good. I mean really good.

I did my meditations and stuff, and this morning was cool; I actually spent some time actually listing stuff I liked, a little time not too much. I was having a little difficulty with someone I know, listed her negative aspect for a while and well you know how that ended up. ...

This morning I went off to work it started okay enough and the day was generally good... nothing special though, just normal... then I got this discount which was cool, really cool then later I got a lift, which was also...oh yeah... and during the day I got a message that I had missed to make a certain appointment and it worked out really well and very extremely easily... amazing... then I got my lift, went to a super market  and I thought about getting some alcohol and it was interesting , saying ‘no’ was not as hard as I thought. I am at home and have had extremely little alcohol. J!!!!  And that was very extremely cool.. I know I will understand the coolness tomorrow.. I will appreciate it. 

Also, I have some friends there’s A who sometimes depresses me----- a lot!!!  A whole lot... then there’s B who is okay, it is just that sometimes, like this afternoon, and now I think about her and I get shortness of breath with some dread..... Some dread.... that I am feeling right now... NOW A and B want to get together this weekend... in fact... B specifically asked me if A could come along.... which is cool I almost feel like just getting the two of them together  and just leaving me out of it... cause honestly I am extremely feeling a lot of shortness of breath, with dread..... It is Wednesday, not Saturday... i cannot decide for then... anyway, the good things about B is that she has an apartment and can house A  so that solves that problem...i am aware that all this will be  well. I know that all this will be well. All this will be well....  all this will be well... it will solve itself on it’s.....

This will be well... 

8 July 2010

Today I have spent the day discovering what happens to people when they stop consciously making efforts to feel good. So well at this moment I am here, but that is okay I can move...

So what has been happening, well for one NADA!!! Things in the office have been going on okay but in truth, well.. I have been having these amazing experiences... AMAZING the last few days, and today for some reason I cannot bring myself to a good feeling place as a result well I am here in this blah place... I realise from my contract extension that being in this blah place is not soooo ... all bad, I can be here for a while and that is fine... really very fine.. I can stay here and still I will get the results I desire...

The only thing is that I an not getting those super sexy amazing experiences.. I miss them, and I know I don't have them because.... well.... I miss them!!!!!! the only thing that this means is that I have to unravel this if I am to move... from here I need to change the way I am thinking!!! :-( because I have been here sooo long, I cannot remember how to do this... I am very far vibrationally.. that is the thing... I had gotten soo used to getting my happiness from these people, now it is time to get my happiness from ME!!! ( I just had a flashbulb moment there...) The thing that is going on, is that I am getting my happiness from them... now it is time to get my happiness from me.. or at least stay in a place. OOh Crap!!! now manifestations of my imaginings are coming true and it is crappy... WOW I can do this I can change my mind... I am sure I will manage... I just got me to the dumps and it is a little difficult to get out..

Tomorrow is another day.. all this will be well.

7th July 2010

Today was an amazing day!! All four of my men, showed up.   All four.... my almost ... Fred, let us call him Fred... to protect the innocent... J  not so much but, i saw his posts so well..... it is cool.... and OOC not so much but I saw him swagger, (even that, not so much cause he was walking slowly)  I have a small rampage I am happy that OOC’s trip was cut short, so that I can see him for the rest of the week.. (which is odd because I was happy he was going away to give me sometime to feel better about things). 

Yesterday I sent an sms to the guy I recently met... it  was some lyrics to ‘where did our love go?’ by the Supremes... I could hear the song playing in my head most of the morning... and i had been having this desire to send it to him... and as  i was having such a wonderful day i thought that no harm could come out of me sending it to him... so i did. And today he sent me a message... i was soo freaking happy!!! So freaking happy!!!!  It went back and forth a little for a while...... which was good....

then a short while later I looked out of the window and there was OOC coming out of a car, looking all sexy and everything... it was weird I was very very sure that he was supposed to get back to the office on Monday next week at the least.. So I watched him for a while...

NOW for the big NEWS!!!! Drum roll...!!! On Saturday I went for a wedding and on my way to the wedding I listened to Abraham and I felt really really good. The whole wedding was SUPER... i mean i had a perfect day. In everyway, everything went my way. EVERYTHING!!!  I met fun people, beautiful people noticed me! at some point I met this fun guy, and I had a great time with him, it was all of 6 minutes tops!! But it was great fun, I remembered thinking on my way to the wedding that, it wasn’t  Fred that I wanted  per se, it wasn’t OOC it was the feeling.... that is what I was after, the feeling..... and I remember after meeting this guy, I thought that, although, I had met many other guys, (more like 2 super cute guys) but none of them gave me that feeling... (maybe because I didn’t think they could)... J anyhoo, today at lunch time, he  calls me and asks me if I am inside the office... an I was!!! Of late I have been wanting to have lunch away from the office but today I was... then he asks me, if I am wearing black or at least navy blue!!! And I was...!!!!!..... !!!!!...... !!! ..........!!!!!... Then we proceeded to have this odd conversation... THEN this evening I ask him how he could possibly have known where I was at the time!! And you know what he says? He says that a) I am employee of the month!!! (didn’t get that then...!!) And that one can tell the colours another is wearing from the tone of the voice!!!!! HUH!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I want to meet him and learn more... I am not yet at the feeling place BUT my dear Lord of Mercy... is it real?!! And Aber... really!!!! WOW!!!!!!  Absolutely perfect... there is nothing more important than feeling good!!!! NOTHING!