6th July 2010

Today has been an interesting lesson in embarrassment and lack of approval. Mostly self approval. I know now, I realised today when I was walking back home that, this is where I am supposed to be.  You see today I was set on embarrassing myself. I guess a part of me just wanted the whole world to approve of me on my behalf. This is just a stage in the getting where I want to be. In 2 main ways:

a)      Before when I was trying to loose weight I had it in my mind all the time and I would work so so hard all the time. Trying always to do the right thing but it seems to me now that nothing worked till I relaxed and let go... all the while making an effort. It also happened, especially when I was wanting to have a little extra money in my experience. I tried so very hard everyday and it seemed that nothing worked until I just made soo many mistakes and eventually gave up on all things. And now I have a little extra money. More than in a very long time.

 b)      This place is a habit. I can choose to run away from it because it is fairly uncomfortable, it will come back, next time. It will be here again. It will come back to me again and will be here again. 

Really I don’t have a choice, I have to unravel this. There is no choice open to me right now except unravelling this. I have to work on this, space by space. I am getting a little reprieve, OOC is going away so I can work out my feelings towards him while he is away so as to make it easier...

Also at this moment, my almost is not really here. He is not here, not physically, not mentally. I can work on him right now. I can work on how I feel about him right now; I can allow it to be easy right now. Just like with Mtn. I can work on it then. I can allow it to be easy now. I can do my processes. I know how to do my processes and I know that I can learn how to unravel this too. I already have the knowledge...

This is a place of learning and in order not to move backwards or stay stagnant, I have to move forward. I have to make movements towards the front, I have to make movements. So now I can be grateful that I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. I get to learn. 

5th July 2010

Today I got a lesson in virtual reality from a person who doesn’t even believe!!!! Can you believe it!!! Oh my God!!! I remember this man I met once who I had a thing with in a foreign land and once he literally called me to him just by thinking about me.  J and now sometimes I worry, I think the wrong things and I end up creating things that are not very good for me.  But today my friend took me through what she does.... everyday... what she does everyday just daydreaming about this man and really  just enjoying what she is doing and eventually he came to her, in ways that she could never have imagined and he got very close to her. In fact he is getting really close to her.  He is getting really very close to her... can you believe it!!! It is actually working and she doesn’t even know what she is doing!!!!!

Well things are not only going well for her... for me today OOC held my hand... or at least he wanted to, he ended up holding my wrist cause well I chickened out but it actually happened.  It actually happened, just the way I had imagined it! Better even!!! Better even!!! Better even. It was even better than I wanted it to be... Ooh you know what this means though.... nasty things are on the way... he he he he he he he

Oh yeah, remember my almost... well the whole day he ignored me and well communicated with the whole effing world... then finally I was able to feel better...  I was able to feel better about things and you know what there waiting for me in my mail box was him... J  it was nice and he it was really nice... I love; I saw love being in the vortex... there is nothing like it...

And I have just realised something.... this thing with my virtual reality practising friend it was driftwood.   It was good, this morning with all its troubles, it was good. I was just reacting I was just recreating things of the old habits and which have nothing to do with what my life is about  right now... there are things I have been listening to Abraham say of late... which was that this manifestations that I am living they are past tense.. the things I am thinking about, that is my present tense and of that I can control 100% .

ALSO... no one needs me. Not one person needs me to do anything for them, they are doing already really really well. Already even better than me. There is nothing for me to teach them... all this is maybe what I need to do to be more like them, to be normal like them.

I am not going to be a teacher because the world needs another teacher, I will be a teacher because I want to teach.  Because it gives me joy to teach, when other people also have these tools to create lives that they can enjoy. 

4th July 2010

So yesterday I was thinking about how what I was looking for was a feeling and once I found it things just like it would show up and they did.

So today I have been thinking different things. You know about how I am such a horrible person and how I should just die and save the world from having to experience me... yeah I know... any hoo.... I became aware that I am not approving of myself... which is okay suppose... it is okay it is good... I went to see my sister and at the time I got there I was really in the vortex and it was great. I gave her the stuff... and her son... actually loved ... really loved the stuff... he showed them off to people... his friends....  I have never experienced that... and we had a nice time watching the DVDs I got for her.... the first one was of this really great looking artist (just remembering that man I love getting jealous of my ‘men’ anyhoo....) and it was nice watching him and his manliness then this other dude came on that I had heard of but never heard any of his songs.. Consciously anyway ...AND I loved his energy!!!   Oh!!! I loved his energy..... his enthusiasm... it was like he is really in the vortex all the time... in everything he does.... he just loves it ... very good... much passion. It reminded me about how I am not really the best looking person in any situation but how there are people that i prefer that will prefer me.

And I had the greatest time with my sister... really the greatest time... it was good... I really loved it... I really loved it.  I love time spent in the vortex. You know something funny... the last time I was at my Dad’s I also had a great time... we actually just sat and laughed..... we sat and laughed.... I sat back on my chair and we had a great time... a really nice time... mmmh I liked it .... it was nice.. really nice.

Also something interesting, I shared something intimate with my sister and it was very very good. J

Also, L I have been having a small spot of bother with judging myself. But I remembered something interesting..... I always have this reaction to when I have a nice experience with a man, especially if it was a very nice experience; I always come here.... so well I know that this is something to unravel.  I love at this second I love that it is possible to unravel.... I love that I have this possibility.  I love that my way to get out of this rut is coming alive and there is nothing for me to do but feel good. Nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good, there is nothing for me to do but feel good.  

3 July 2010

So today I had a good day. A very good. Day. How did all this start? Well I what happened. Okay banks went well.  Really well. The first one well took a little longer but the second one, there  were like 2 people in front of me.   And it went well. At the saloon I got a guy who made my hair really well and the nails lady did  a very quick job and I knew eventually I would like it and I did. To prepare myself I actually made a big effort. A really big effort. I put a mask on my face, I really made up my face I oiled all of me, and even put good lipstick to match my clothes.  I had even  got my car washed and everything.

I got out and used Waiyaki way and into James Gichuru road.  And I knew that eventually I would get my way and I went round and round in circles and got my way. All the way to Ngong rd!!! That was super... I asked for directions and got there in one piece. I tried calling Anne and could not get through.  Then I saw Perez and got soooo excited. I had someone to sit with and chat with and I got introduced to this married couple and this other girl who is engaged to him and it is cool cause you know driftwood.... J !!!! Then Perez actually took me to get food and got me a spoon and a soda and everything it was really nice.  I sat with his people and they were nice really nice and we laughed and they thought it was cute the way me and Perez were so jazzed by out names. ...  That was nice. 

Then ... I saw Anne and she was looking stunning!!! She had this amazing dress! Beautiful dress! She looked sooo great. So I went out to her and we hanged out I even joined in the dance and we hugged and it was great! It was soo great! It was fun I have never done that before and it was cool!!!

Then she came over and we sat together and we talked and it was nice. Nothing like I thought it would be, it was easy and sweet and it remained that way all day and part of the night. ... But that is a different story......   I took sooo many pictures of her. I could not get over how great she looked.... I loved how great she looked.....  I liked the interaction it was sooo great! It was nice... I liked being that downstream with her.... ah.... perfect....

Then we started noting all the cute guys... it was nice....then at some point she really wanted a stronger than air drink and there was this guy who was supposed to have the drink so I said I would go out to him and ask him if he had it. And the interaction was nice.....  Fun even I laughed a little he said he would buy then come back...

Then the wedding ended and Anne went about introducing me to her whole family.... it was alright.... many interesting and beautiful people....  then there were her friends from home and it was all hugs and everything....  and she introduced me and I took more pictures and it was good....  fun.... nice.....

Then I am off to meet Mr.  Cute sexy rugby guy!!! I had dismissed him as a baby 12 ½ years old! But after I saw him I could not get my eyes off him... it was interesting to note that he did the same .... For the rest of the day.... that was nice..... We took a pic which is going promptly into my facebook as ‘interaction with famous people’ it was cool I had a good pic and the interaction was sort of weird and difficult but we took a pic and we smiled ... nice....

Oh did I mention taking random pictures of other guys I thought were cute? I know ... I know... perfect!!! He he he J!!!!

Then I met a guy that I had met before... and he was friendly he asked me why we had not taken a pic together and we got to talking and it was nice... I had a big smile and we took many pictures and it was nice... really nice, we took a pic with my phone and he asked me to send the pic to his phone so that he could have it.... that was perfect then he asked me for my number...  oh perfection...  then I remembered that that I had said in the car... that uh.... what I wanted was the feeling.... I had told myself that what I wanted with my old maybe and with OOC was the feeling... that is what I wanted... and that feeling I can get it from anywhere... anywhere... anywhere... even from Mtn... Yes even from Mtn..... ... even with Mtn..... and yes... I was feeling it with oooh so what can we call him... Hugger... cause he gives such a sexy hug..... So I was feeling it with the sexy hugger..... It was nice... I got other pics with the MC oh he was something... very something.... 

Then I told Anne about the way I wanted to buy this foldable chair and a table for home... for my balcony (though at this second it is in front the telly watching ‘Friends’ as I type.... nice... and I wanted her to help me out cause she has such great taste... and that I would eventually drop her anywhere she needed to go... and she said cool.... and I had to wait cause as a beautiful woman it is necessary to be waited for...

I got the seat and the table for reasonable prices and now I am using them to do this... J!!!!

We rode down and Anne thought it would be a great idea to go see Sue at the hospital.... and it was amazing how cool it was.... how really cool it all was....

We went to the hospital and someone else I once had a serious...I mean oh God... I entered the room and my heart fluttered and I didn’t even know why... then I turned and there he was... nothing much to look at Oooooh!!!!!!!!!... BUT!!! BUT!!! SOMETHING!!  And we have liked each other ever since.... easy... we are basically the same... (Note to God.... clone him and give the clone to me...) his wife was there but it was easy.. We had interaction where it was just me and him.. And it was still good... and easy... and I wasn’t even freaking that his wife (who by the way is looking AMAZING!!!)...was there... totally normal.... NICE!!!...They even put a stand up comedian to entertain us... perfect  and you know something... that girl I have been looking for, for 5 years was there!!!!! J I told her the way I loved her music and I wanted to see her perform..... And she is really shy but beautiful music.... really beautiful.... if she ever told me that I had to travel 5 hours in order to hear her music... I would go...for shizzzy, nizzzy...  and she was there and I was like God loves me!! J I got her contact... and it was perfect!

Then time to go home and I was telling  Anne the way I love mutura and the way by dropping her home I could get a chance to get some... and she really wanted to make an effort to ensure that I got it but I told her that I wanted to make absolutely no effort at all! And that if  we got it quickly an easily then I would buy it, if not then not... and she took me for a ride on the wild side!!!! I am telling you on the freaking WILD SIDE!!!!!! Anyhoo... um... suddenly we reached a place and I saw it.... there was easy parking ... super easy... I just got out of the car and went to the place... they had the right amounts at the right price ... Ahhh Super!! And it was quick and easy and the attendant was also super nice.. ... J.... 

After some sort of jam, we got to her place and it was nice... I re-met her family and they were great... again... (Perfect) ... Then it was suggested that I give a lift to her sister and her husband to some place... and that I had to give them a little time to get ready and it was weird I liked the chairs... and they liked that... ... I liked them...

..... I am giving them this lift and it turns out it was such a great I gave them a lift cause I could not remember how I came in  J ... I got impatient with people who were having a thing.. ... Interesting.... I judged me.. L ... got over that....  then with their help I managed to get may way out... really if there were not there I would have been seriously lost... at the time I was thinking about people and what they were thinking so they told me what they were thinking... you know... L but it is cool I am feeling so much better about me and other people....

... and finally my drive back.... many close calls... but at the same time I am alive and nothing happened so that is good... but I am maybe far a little... apparently there are some car issues to work out... J but on the good side I am already feeling better about how other  people think about me... I like that other people like me... I like that other people like me... I like that other people like me I like that I like  me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I  like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that I like that I like me, I like that I like me, I like that like me... 

What is happening today....

There is this guy... we will call him Fred... to protect the innocent. I used to be in love with Fred. I think he was the first guy I ever admitted to being in love with. Then at some point in my life, it became clear to me that it was possible for me to marry Fred... but I became to much too soon and it ended without much drama...

It has been my wish for a while to link up with a dude. I have been told that in order for a dude to love me, I have to love me... and well I have been trying... to love me... and now, especially in the last 2 weeks, I can think of me and feel good things.. really good things.. about me and I love that! I really really appreciate that.

Now, back to Fred. Today I am in the vortex, and I was thinking of all those good things that watching Pootie Tang did for me.... I was reciting things from the movie.. you know “Sa da tay!”, “Wa-da-tah!”, and I posted it on my profile, and we had an interesting long exchange on Pootie Tang phrases, which was super fun.....

Then later in the evening, a friend starts chatting to me about him..... and she asks me if he remembers her, and then, I ask him if he does... and then we go on and then he asks me out for coffee.. !!!!!!   !!!! So now we have a date for next Tuesday. Can you believe it!! I am aware that he is not the one for me, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT , he is a guy I like that used to drive me crazy, who I got crazy on and who just asked me out for coffee!!!!!

I like this because there is a guy that currently I am crazy for, who I am, have been crazy on.... (plenty of mind stalking).....

BUT...

Also I have been making a conscious effort to think good thoughts of my ex. Today I was totally in the vortex the whole day... and that works wonders as always!

My Book of Positive Aspects

Now, last week I attended a seminar, a talk on some interesting subject, but because of all the extra time spent dancing during the weekend I had great difficulty staying awake for that lecture. It was hard, the lecturer seemed dull, the scientific facts he belted out, meant nothing to me, and I really didn’t know what to do to keep myself from blacking out... Then I remembered Positive Aspects.... and I started chanting them, even writing them down..., that he really knew his subject ( and he really really did!!), that he had a nice nose,  ( yeah I know), that I liked how well he knew how to use his tech gadgets, that he had a nice watch, that though he was French he had very good command of the English language, he even played with it (it is my experience that for some reason most French people from France have a small issue with English), he had nice eye colour, he looked a little like Fred Flintstone, and I like Fred Flintstone,  about how his lecture was putting me so easily to sleep, and how much I loved sleeping...  and little by little I started waking up!! AND he transformed in front of my eyes, he suddenly became funny, he had these great seriously obvious sort of sarcastic but at the same time sweet jokes, and charming  and great and generous, and I just really felt that I appreciated every thing about him so much. And he sort of looked like he was in the vortex, he had all this energy.... ... then I started to drift off... you know.... Rampage of Appreciation here about what a great day I was having... etc... 

What is happening...

Well OOC is to me the epitome of men. I adore him, totally and completely, I basically only see his positive aspects. Honestly I only see his positive aspects, he can do no wrong, in my eyes( ... mmmh.... I know this is how I should see everyone....) but honestly he is like a breath of fresh air, he is soo lovely ( I was thinking about it today and, he is actually the best looking man in the office and me I have a thing for that) I really do love him and just breathing the same air as him makes life a little better, a whole lot better...

Anyhoo, I have been trying to create a relationship with him for a long time ( 2 years now) and every time I try to do something actual it always falls on my face, he suddenly becomes nasty... and I feel hurt... I had figured out some time back that the thing to do is to move back, move way back... way way back and just think of his positive aspect...

I did that last night and this morning and this whole day has been spent with him. I have criss crossed him the whole day. Literally every six seconds I bump into him and he is super. He actually wants to be with me... Ooh vortex... There is really nothing for me to do! Nothing for me to do but get happy!!! Just get happy!!

My self-love.....

I have never been someone who loves me... I have always loved other people. I have always preferred other people. The more loved they were, the more I preferred them, because I guess I always figured that, if I was them then I would be loved too. I so wanted to be loved. I have always wanted to be loved. Why did I want to be loved, because I thought that if other people loved me, then I would be loveable and then I could love me. I wanted/want to be a spiritual teacher so that other people could value me, love me, so that I could love me...

Then I met Abraham about 3 years ago, just by request.....:-) then tried to listen to what they were saying and when I could not understand I tried what other people were saying about what they were saying, that was easier... you know to which was very cool for me, I got some parts, understand.... then I went back to Abraham and now I could understand better.. but this year, this year has been my year of really trying...

.... and for the first time in a while... ( I don’t know why I say that cause I feel I was here last year for a short while) I am feel a lot of self love for me. I adore me. I think about me and I the thought I feel are warm, they are nice. I haven’t changed much, in fact I have gained a whole lot of weight. But I love me. I actually love me.

This past weekend, I got an invite to spend time with a friend and her friends. It was different for me cause normally, especially with men, I normally don’t know how to be around them... and be normal. But this time I was cool, I actually liked myself. The guy was a guy with a girl, and I thought he was sort of hot, ( which made me revise some of the things I want in a guy) and I was normal around him. His girl was there, and I was cool, I didn’t make a play for him, and I allowed me to be near him, without being totally weird. I liked who I was. I saw photos from the day out and this one is one of them and I love it!!! I really love it. Before I used to hate looking at photos of me, but now I actually love it. I was looking at other photos of me and I thought, they look great!! It is soo wonderful when you think you are great!! Makes for a wonderful day!


Now I am aware this is how normal people are, and this is how normal people behave, but for me it has been a long journey. Now I even love people who through their making my life difficult have brought me here.

So weightloss....

Since I was like 9 years old I have wanted to weigh less than I did... at anytime. I have always felt like I didn’t like my weight at the time and I wanted to be smaller, even when I was smaller... (I know that because I have since become bigger... much bigger..)

Recently, in the last 6 months, I have become bigger than I have EVER been... EVER!! And that has for the most part not been easy for me.... I spent a whole lot of time having trouble with it.....

Then about 4 weeks ago I decided that I am going to feel good. I am going to work at feeling good about me. I am going to find a way to feel better about me, just for the sake of it, and I am going to spend more time imagining me smaller, you know as a possibility (virtual reality-ing basically)... ( I have had great success with that when it came to my coaching thing... so I decided that I was going positively “virtual reality” slimming. I have been walking, I have been making the effort to walk, eat more veggis, drink more water etc, but to be honest my weight has stayed the same. I remembered that when I was much much younger, (much), I used to go out dancing often and I was quite small. In fact sometimes I would even look smaller after a night out.... so a few weeks ago, I thought how great it would be to go out dancing... spend like 6 hours on the dance floor, and I really enjoyed the thought... then last week I really wanted to, but didn’t and when I didn’t manage I didn’t give myself a hard time, I just said that is cool, at least I really want to now, so the next step is really near, then... this week past week, on Friday I thought about how much I wanted to go out dancing, so I ate, and at around 9.30pm I decided that it was a good time to go.. and I did and it was sooo great!!! I mean really great. I danced so much, it was nice to feel that, “okay I can do this here”! I really enjoyed myself. And I want to do that again. Maybe the 2 days you know Friday AND Saturday, maybe even take a day off and do it again then!!! 

Back to weightloss... you know on Sunday I dressed to go somewhere... and I could not believe how great I looked in what I was wearing!! Wow! I was actually smaller!! That was great. That was the most fun I have had loosing weight in a long time...

Discouragement!

What am I feeling about the side things I am doing. I am feeling a little discouraged. I am not really sure how, mainly because I have today received everything that I set out to receive. I still am feeling a little discouraged about how much I have achieved so far. And I know it is silly, after all it has been 2 whole days.. right?!!! But still I feel discouraged.

BUT I am happy that I know exactly where I am. And I can see how that is my practiced vibration when it comes to these things that I am doing. It is good. I am happy. I will continue to be happy. All this will be very very very well.