Discouragement!

What am I feeling about the side things I am doing. I am feeling a little discouraged. I am not really sure how, mainly because I have today received everything that I set out to receive. I still am feeling a little discouraged about how much I have achieved so far. And I know it is silly, after all it has been 2 whole days.. right?!!! But still I feel discouraged.

BUT I am happy that I know exactly where I am. And I can see how that is my practiced vibration when it comes to these things that I am doing. It is good. I am happy. I will continue to be happy. All this will be very very very well.

Today!

Today I am restarting. Today I am restarting to do what I have been wanting to do for nearly 20 years. Now it feels good. Now it feels doable. I have spent soo much time in the last 2 weeks just spending way too much time with Abraham. It was sooo good. I have been feeling really really good about me. I have been loving me soo much. I have been accepting me and my pot and my tyres, and loving me. I even went out and was soo uncomfortable around people who don't know how to be themselves. It feels sooo good. I am very happy. I want to keep track.

Today I read this post about a most wonderful dude who basically taught me how to create whatever you want. I want to keep a record of this. I want to keep a diary of this. I want to tell you all about it. I want to tell you what is going on around these things that I want.

Okay..... I want to be a coach, life coach and run a website.... That is what I am able to admit for now....

So day one

I walked today, for one hour. It was cool. I walked really slowly, for one hour. I was really extremely happy to walk for the sake of walking, not to loose weight. This past weekend I went to have new stuff made, you know that fit!!! It is weird... but I have been accepting who I am and just really having fun, and today I believe that a man I developed a crush on today did the same for me.

Work was interesting.... very interesting. I realise that I have to spend more time, listing the positive aspects of that job. It is a wonderful place, I get so much contrast, so much fodder to grow. I don't necessarily enjoy all this but, it is here, and I am getting good at really loving them. I am getting better at loving me. I am enjoying loving me. I love loving me. I enjoy loving me.


I want to add some pics in this blog, I thought, you know just to add some pazzaz.. I joke, maybe make it a little interesting.

This is good. ...

Mmmhhh! Interesting

I for the last month have been really worried about money, and I mean really really worried. So I devised ways and means physical and non-physical ways to make this money come into my life. And it is weird because the more I was worried about money the more I didn’t have money and in fact my money dwindled almost completely. I was worried, it got worse I got to a place that I had no love in my life, all the things I thought brought me joy seized to do so! That was shocking to me; I thought I could derive joy from watching a fly flirting its wings!!!! Men, I thought I was super god! So here I was sad, depressed, pissed at the whole world, the whole freaking world!!!!!!
So now when I notice it is the whole world I begin to realise that it is in fact ME! The problem is with me. ME! Not the whole world, just me.

So it becomes clear that things have to change. I have to find a way to love me again. I have to find a way to love money again; I have to find a way to accept that ALL THAT IS has my wellbeing at hear. It took a while but I am in the vicinity of love. I am in the vicinity of self acceptance; I am in the vicinity of happiness again. I now know that all this will be well. Isn’t all this wonderful!!!

Free stuff

I just go me a free T-Shirt oh and a Cap! Oh and the trip was cancelled (woo hoo! and the thing with the people I didn't want to do? Well they sort of cannot do it too!!! WOO HOO!!!!

I was in Rage/Hatred

Yes, I was in rage/hatred. I felt it very very very intensely and I didn't even know. I was in rage. I felt some serious anger, and I felt it very very vividly and I didn't even know it was happening. All this time I thought I was in anger. So the processes I was doing were based on the fact that, I thought I was angry. That is interesting. Very very interesting. I was wondering why revenge felt good, better, easier. I had wondered why revenge felt better. But there was still anger below it so I had been wondering.... anyhoo, at this point, not much to do but meditate for tonight that is the thing I can do. I cannot remember any of the processes and I know if I don't do this right, I will still be here.

I had tried doing some virtual reality, focus wheel but nothing seemed to help. I don't know, I am not sure how to deal with rage when speaking with the Sedona Method, but this is the place that I am in.


On the good side, I am alone again. I got to enjoy some of the things I enjoy while I am alone, like telly, and I guess the internet and some music... I walked this evening to try and make me feel better... I had a few beers and honestly although that helped yesterday today it did nothing for me, in fact I am rather sober right now which, I consider all in all to be a good thing.

I am considering and I know that there are many people already that I know who are exactly here. Even 2 friends I consider to be good friends, I am understanding how they are feeling. And I know that if I intend one day to make a living out of this then I will have to find a solution to this. One thing that is working is pivoting but as soon as I was off the telly I started back to rage. You know the vibration being exactly where you left it. So now I must, I must talk it down. I must move up just a little bit, just a little bit. Even a tiny little bit will be sooo good.. OR I could just ignore it! I could just ignore it and all the reasons for it. I must ignore it and all the reasons why it is. I must look for a reason to be happy, or just feel a little better.

The reason I am here is because of me and NOW I must take me to a new place. This is very very extremely good for me. It is very extremely perfect for my growth, my happiness, my expansion and all things that I want.

Once again. All this will be well. All will be well. All is already well. I already am on the right track. Thank you JESUS!

Oh today

Today honestly it has ended and that is good. I have all these things that have happened to me today and still I feel really really bad. I feel very bad about where I am in life, about my work about the way I life, who I am... it all just feels bad. I want to just go home and stay there forever. I want just disappear from the world, not die or anything like that, mostly just not deal with other people. I just feel so angry at everyone about everything, I guess in some ways I feel as though I am pissed at all the ways I am feeling people are doing.

Now I am very aware that the more I think this, the more I will get of this so I am a little stuck, of sorts. So there...

My cat and my desire to be free

I have been having some issues with someone who I wish to interact in different manner with. Not been knowing what to do....

So fast forward yesterday, a lovely little cat came into my experience. Loving and everything and we spent a lovely majical night together where i fed it and it slept really close to me and it was okay.

Then this morning I discovered that I don't want to keep a cat. I love cats but I don't want one 24/7. That's it, that is all. I remembered that once a long time ago I felt that way about another cat, and soon that cat came out of my experience and I did nothing in that situation either.

So I now realise that there's nothing for me to do but relax and breath. Look to what I want and that is all I need to do. There's nothing for me to do but relax and breath and I thank God for that answer. It doesn't matter that I like cats, it doesn't matter that I fed it and was nice to it and everything all those don't matter. Actions don't matter,it is only my desire!

Day 4

Here is me at the beginning of day four of my big as diet. Today though I noticed a small improvement, with the suite I am wearing today, not so much someone outside of myself would notice but it is good enough for me and I am happy. You see I knew for sure, I would notice some sort of change if I continued faithfully for 4 days, and I have been walking faithfully, (I even forwent going to the salon in order to walk this morning). So Things are good still. I’m still on the wagon.

I’ve been thinking about varying my diet, because it has been almost exactly the same for the last 4 days, adding some bananas sometimes but mostly not.... but maybe I should not, leave things as they are, though to be honest with you right now, I can feel myself sliding off the wagon a little, I just got paid and I want to CELEBRATE!!!! I want to pay off debts and have roast chicken and some Sangria for dinner! God please help me

Lunch

This is me this afternoon, am I being too much? (Probably) but you see I have spent the afternoon discovering many new things. first I discovered that something I thought I had, some money actually, I don’t have it and it is money I felt I really needed, so well with that disappointment I was really tempted to use food to make me feel better about my situation. so I just stood there, feeling really sorry for myself and imagining just how much better I would be feeling if only I could have something to eat! But I just stood there for a while and tried to thank God for this situation., and try to be really grateful for this situation, though it was not making me particularly happy, but it will just have to. I think though that this is for the best. even from a worldly point of view. there was a moment there that I really just wanted to give up and take a shot of whiskey. so well ‘thank you God for my new situation and thank you also that I did gorge my face because of this situation’

I had instant noodles and some water. according to the packet, it had 341 calories. but I didn’t walk like I said I would. I don’t know how that affects me. Will let you know.

Also my ultra tight dress from this morning fits better now.... mostly due to the fact that the seems are coming apart!

Life decisions

This is one of the pictures that convinced me to shift a little weight, that and all those clothes that refuse to fit!

I really must learn to make self portraits if this is to work at all!

Weight loss programme.

Diet

It is now day two of week 2 of the great big diet! So far so good, I have not cheated or overeaten or had anything outside my diet. I feel good, though it is only 10.14am of day 2 and this morning I had a shock when I realized that the dress I tried on last night specifically because I wanted to be sure it an outfit that fits and can therefore be worn this morning, turned out to be too small anyway. (I’m wearing it by the way). But that’s okay.

On the good side, I didn’t buy breakfast today, got a little tired of low-rent attitude and the extra fat I get from the restaurant I like, so it means I will be carrying breakfast from home, (I find it impossible to have breakfast at home, I’m not really sure why, maybe it’s cause I get hungry so quickly when I do. Saturday though, I had breakfast at ‘Java’ it was really perfect, I really like it there and the bread is also pretty cool. I’ll do that again if I can.

So today so far,
Breakfast
1.5 scones with jam
2 cups of coffee, 3 sugars each
1 small banana.

To be honest I don’t how many calories these are; I should try foods that I already know the calorie content because this guessing is just not helping and while it is not the gorging I normally do, still...

On exercise well this morning I walked again for about one hour. By the time I was in the office I was pretty exhausted and was considering the advantages of having a car and going to the gym. It is something I think about all the time, I think it is time I did something about it. Yesterday I walked for about 2.45 hours which is cool. For me I think it normally takes about 1 week for results of my weight loss, so this means that last week might not have been as effective as I thought. Why mainly because the clothes are still really tight, what I am working on at the moment is to ensure that I have more clothes to wear. I currently have 5 outfits for the weekday but that is not adequate, I don’t want to buy more because I don’t want to encourage me to keep this weight and well it’s expensive! I want to fit into the clothes I already have!!!