My Book of Positive Aspects

Now, last week I attended a seminar, a talk on some interesting subject, but because of all the extra time spent dancing during the weekend I had great difficulty staying awake for that lecture. It was hard, the lecturer seemed dull, the scientific facts he belted out, meant nothing to me, and I really didn’t know what to do to keep myself from blacking out... Then I remembered Positive Aspects.... and I started chanting them, even writing them down..., that he really knew his subject ( and he really really did!!), that he had a nice nose,  ( yeah I know), that I liked how well he knew how to use his tech gadgets, that he had a nice watch, that though he was French he had very good command of the English language, he even played with it (it is my experience that for some reason most French people from France have a small issue with English), he had nice eye colour, he looked a little like Fred Flintstone, and I like Fred Flintstone,  about how his lecture was putting me so easily to sleep, and how much I loved sleeping...  and little by little I started waking up!! AND he transformed in front of my eyes, he suddenly became funny, he had these great seriously obvious sort of sarcastic but at the same time sweet jokes, and charming  and great and generous, and I just really felt that I appreciated every thing about him so much. And he sort of looked like he was in the vortex, he had all this energy.... ... then I started to drift off... you know.... Rampage of Appreciation here about what a great day I was having... etc... 

What is happening...

Well OOC is to me the epitome of men. I adore him, totally and completely, I basically only see his positive aspects. Honestly I only see his positive aspects, he can do no wrong, in my eyes( ... mmmh.... I know this is how I should see everyone....) but honestly he is like a breath of fresh air, he is soo lovely ( I was thinking about it today and, he is actually the best looking man in the office and me I have a thing for that) I really do love him and just breathing the same air as him makes life a little better, a whole lot better...

Anyhoo, I have been trying to create a relationship with him for a long time ( 2 years now) and every time I try to do something actual it always falls on my face, he suddenly becomes nasty... and I feel hurt... I had figured out some time back that the thing to do is to move back, move way back... way way back and just think of his positive aspect...

I did that last night and this morning and this whole day has been spent with him. I have criss crossed him the whole day. Literally every six seconds I bump into him and he is super. He actually wants to be with me... Ooh vortex... There is really nothing for me to do! Nothing for me to do but get happy!!! Just get happy!!

My self-love.....

I have never been someone who loves me... I have always loved other people. I have always preferred other people. The more loved they were, the more I preferred them, because I guess I always figured that, if I was them then I would be loved too. I so wanted to be loved. I have always wanted to be loved. Why did I want to be loved, because I thought that if other people loved me, then I would be loveable and then I could love me. I wanted/want to be a spiritual teacher so that other people could value me, love me, so that I could love me...

Then I met Abraham about 3 years ago, just by request.....:-) then tried to listen to what they were saying and when I could not understand I tried what other people were saying about what they were saying, that was easier... you know to which was very cool for me, I got some parts, understand.... then I went back to Abraham and now I could understand better.. but this year, this year has been my year of really trying...

.... and for the first time in a while... ( I don’t know why I say that cause I feel I was here last year for a short while) I am feel a lot of self love for me. I adore me. I think about me and I the thought I feel are warm, they are nice. I haven’t changed much, in fact I have gained a whole lot of weight. But I love me. I actually love me.

This past weekend, I got an invite to spend time with a friend and her friends. It was different for me cause normally, especially with men, I normally don’t know how to be around them... and be normal. But this time I was cool, I actually liked myself. The guy was a guy with a girl, and I thought he was sort of hot, ( which made me revise some of the things I want in a guy) and I was normal around him. His girl was there, and I was cool, I didn’t make a play for him, and I allowed me to be near him, without being totally weird. I liked who I was. I saw photos from the day out and this one is one of them and I love it!!! I really love it. Before I used to hate looking at photos of me, but now I actually love it. I was looking at other photos of me and I thought, they look great!! It is soo wonderful when you think you are great!! Makes for a wonderful day!


Now I am aware this is how normal people are, and this is how normal people behave, but for me it has been a long journey. Now I even love people who through their making my life difficult have brought me here.

So weightloss....

Since I was like 9 years old I have wanted to weigh less than I did... at anytime. I have always felt like I didn’t like my weight at the time and I wanted to be smaller, even when I was smaller... (I know that because I have since become bigger... much bigger..)

Recently, in the last 6 months, I have become bigger than I have EVER been... EVER!! And that has for the most part not been easy for me.... I spent a whole lot of time having trouble with it.....

Then about 4 weeks ago I decided that I am going to feel good. I am going to work at feeling good about me. I am going to find a way to feel better about me, just for the sake of it, and I am going to spend more time imagining me smaller, you know as a possibility (virtual reality-ing basically)... ( I have had great success with that when it came to my coaching thing... so I decided that I was going positively “virtual reality” slimming. I have been walking, I have been making the effort to walk, eat more veggis, drink more water etc, but to be honest my weight has stayed the same. I remembered that when I was much much younger, (much), I used to go out dancing often and I was quite small. In fact sometimes I would even look smaller after a night out.... so a few weeks ago, I thought how great it would be to go out dancing... spend like 6 hours on the dance floor, and I really enjoyed the thought... then last week I really wanted to, but didn’t and when I didn’t manage I didn’t give myself a hard time, I just said that is cool, at least I really want to now, so the next step is really near, then... this week past week, on Friday I thought about how much I wanted to go out dancing, so I ate, and at around 9.30pm I decided that it was a good time to go.. and I did and it was sooo great!!! I mean really great. I danced so much, it was nice to feel that, “okay I can do this here”! I really enjoyed myself. And I want to do that again. Maybe the 2 days you know Friday AND Saturday, maybe even take a day off and do it again then!!! 

Back to weightloss... you know on Sunday I dressed to go somewhere... and I could not believe how great I looked in what I was wearing!! Wow! I was actually smaller!! That was great. That was the most fun I have had loosing weight in a long time...

Discouragement!

What am I feeling about the side things I am doing. I am feeling a little discouraged. I am not really sure how, mainly because I have today received everything that I set out to receive. I still am feeling a little discouraged about how much I have achieved so far. And I know it is silly, after all it has been 2 whole days.. right?!!! But still I feel discouraged.

BUT I am happy that I know exactly where I am. And I can see how that is my practiced vibration when it comes to these things that I am doing. It is good. I am happy. I will continue to be happy. All this will be very very very well.

Today!

Today I am restarting. Today I am restarting to do what I have been wanting to do for nearly 20 years. Now it feels good. Now it feels doable. I have spent soo much time in the last 2 weeks just spending way too much time with Abraham. It was sooo good. I have been feeling really really good about me. I have been loving me soo much. I have been accepting me and my pot and my tyres, and loving me. I even went out and was soo uncomfortable around people who don't know how to be themselves. It feels sooo good. I am very happy. I want to keep track.

Today I read this post about a most wonderful dude who basically taught me how to create whatever you want. I want to keep a record of this. I want to keep a diary of this. I want to tell you all about it. I want to tell you what is going on around these things that I want.

Okay..... I want to be a coach, life coach and run a website.... That is what I am able to admit for now....

So day one

I walked today, for one hour. It was cool. I walked really slowly, for one hour. I was really extremely happy to walk for the sake of walking, not to loose weight. This past weekend I went to have new stuff made, you know that fit!!! It is weird... but I have been accepting who I am and just really having fun, and today I believe that a man I developed a crush on today did the same for me.

Work was interesting.... very interesting. I realise that I have to spend more time, listing the positive aspects of that job. It is a wonderful place, I get so much contrast, so much fodder to grow. I don't necessarily enjoy all this but, it is here, and I am getting good at really loving them. I am getting better at loving me. I am enjoying loving me. I love loving me. I enjoy loving me.


I want to add some pics in this blog, I thought, you know just to add some pazzaz.. I joke, maybe make it a little interesting.

This is good. ...

Mmmhhh! Interesting

I for the last month have been really worried about money, and I mean really really worried. So I devised ways and means physical and non-physical ways to make this money come into my life. And it is weird because the more I was worried about money the more I didn’t have money and in fact my money dwindled almost completely. I was worried, it got worse I got to a place that I had no love in my life, all the things I thought brought me joy seized to do so! That was shocking to me; I thought I could derive joy from watching a fly flirting its wings!!!! Men, I thought I was super god! So here I was sad, depressed, pissed at the whole world, the whole freaking world!!!!!!
So now when I notice it is the whole world I begin to realise that it is in fact ME! The problem is with me. ME! Not the whole world, just me.

So it becomes clear that things have to change. I have to find a way to love me again. I have to find a way to love money again; I have to find a way to accept that ALL THAT IS has my wellbeing at hear. It took a while but I am in the vicinity of love. I am in the vicinity of self acceptance; I am in the vicinity of happiness again. I now know that all this will be well. Isn’t all this wonderful!!!

Free stuff

I just go me a free T-Shirt oh and a Cap! Oh and the trip was cancelled (woo hoo! and the thing with the people I didn't want to do? Well they sort of cannot do it too!!! WOO HOO!!!!

I was in Rage/Hatred

Yes, I was in rage/hatred. I felt it very very very intensely and I didn't even know. I was in rage. I felt some serious anger, and I felt it very very vividly and I didn't even know it was happening. All this time I thought I was in anger. So the processes I was doing were based on the fact that, I thought I was angry. That is interesting. Very very interesting. I was wondering why revenge felt good, better, easier. I had wondered why revenge felt better. But there was still anger below it so I had been wondering.... anyhoo, at this point, not much to do but meditate for tonight that is the thing I can do. I cannot remember any of the processes and I know if I don't do this right, I will still be here.

I had tried doing some virtual reality, focus wheel but nothing seemed to help. I don't know, I am not sure how to deal with rage when speaking with the Sedona Method, but this is the place that I am in.


On the good side, I am alone again. I got to enjoy some of the things I enjoy while I am alone, like telly, and I guess the internet and some music... I walked this evening to try and make me feel better... I had a few beers and honestly although that helped yesterday today it did nothing for me, in fact I am rather sober right now which, I consider all in all to be a good thing.

I am considering and I know that there are many people already that I know who are exactly here. Even 2 friends I consider to be good friends, I am understanding how they are feeling. And I know that if I intend one day to make a living out of this then I will have to find a solution to this. One thing that is working is pivoting but as soon as I was off the telly I started back to rage. You know the vibration being exactly where you left it. So now I must, I must talk it down. I must move up just a little bit, just a little bit. Even a tiny little bit will be sooo good.. OR I could just ignore it! I could just ignore it and all the reasons for it. I must ignore it and all the reasons why it is. I must look for a reason to be happy, or just feel a little better.

The reason I am here is because of me and NOW I must take me to a new place. This is very very extremely good for me. It is very extremely perfect for my growth, my happiness, my expansion and all things that I want.

Once again. All this will be well. All will be well. All is already well. I already am on the right track. Thank you JESUS!

Oh today

Today honestly it has ended and that is good. I have all these things that have happened to me today and still I feel really really bad. I feel very bad about where I am in life, about my work about the way I life, who I am... it all just feels bad. I want to just go home and stay there forever. I want just disappear from the world, not die or anything like that, mostly just not deal with other people. I just feel so angry at everyone about everything, I guess in some ways I feel as though I am pissed at all the ways I am feeling people are doing.

Now I am very aware that the more I think this, the more I will get of this so I am a little stuck, of sorts. So there...